My Grandpa would be so proud...

Well, I went sportfishing for my first time ever! I can remember growing up, my Grandpa always had a TON of rods and reels suspended from the garage rafters. Now, I know he did mainly fresh water fishing, but I assume they also went out on the ocean as well.

My Krietz-Carlson family invited me to go along with them on a full-day trip. We went about 100 miles south and fished off the coast of Mexico. I was petrified of getting seasick, as I am prone to motion sickness and car sickness from time to time. So, I did my research, and invested in some ginger capsules, and ate the right things and avoided the right things, and took some dramamine just to be extra careful. I did pretty good!

I caught 3 yellowfin tuna...Smaller ones, but I was really just excited with the whole boat experience itself. I had never been on a boat where you couldn't see land at all, in any direction. It was a little unnerving...I did not know which way we were headed at most times and although I was watching the wake of the boat go in little "S" patterns, it felt like the boat was going straight...Very weird! I loved the whole process of everything...Getting the bait on board, the little bunks (I slept on the top bunk...Initially fearful of rolling off and plunging 7 feet to the floor made sleeping a little restless), the mad scramble when daylight hit and they spotted some fish. It was hard not to get trampled by everyone trying to be the first ones to the bait tank. And all that before you had a line in the water!

Once you dropped your little bait fish into the clear blue-green depths and watching him/her swim out of site, waiting, watching your line for movement, waiting for your line to zoom out signaling you had something big on the other end...All the while, being cautious of all the other fisherpeople and their lines...Don't get them crossed, and go over or under them as you follow your line around the boat. Excited yells of "fish on" when you got something on your line, and "color" when you saw the first glimmer of it in the depths after reeling and reeling and pulling and pulling, and finally "gaff" when you need one of the deckhands to come and hook the fish to bring it aboard. It was really an amazing, exciting experience! I am looking forward to next season for an opportunity to go out again.

It was an experience my Dad would have loved. I sure hope Dad and my Grandpa were smiling down on me...Perhaps they encouraged the 3 fish in my direction...:)

Much love!

My 200th post...

Wow...How is it that I am writing my 200th blog post...It is so hard to believe that all that has happened can fit in to 200 blog posts.  But here we are.

We did the 8th Annual San Diego Brain Tumor Society Walk yesterday.  What an inspirational event.  So many people, so many memories...People in the field working on the research, caregivers, survivors, friends, loved ones...And most importantly, hope.

Jay, Lynda, Rachelle and I were there representing Team Scotch on the Rocks.  The walk is in such a nice place.  Right next to the San Diego River, at Hospitality Point on Mission Bay.  And weather wise, it was warm and humid, and the fog stayed in most of the day, which kept the sun from beating down on us.

This year, there were 570 walkers and we raised over $90,000 to go toward research.

So wonderful and inspirational.  So many thanks to the donations I received.  Thanks to Jay, Lynda, Margie, Rebekah and Jake, and Kristin.

And I thank everyone for the good thoughts and prayers you sent my way, and I am humbled by the hope that surrounded us yesterday...The hope for a cure to this horrible curse.

Much love.

Walking for the future...

This Saturday is the Annual San Diego Brain Tumor walk again. I have gotten some wonderful and generous donations thus far, but if you have not had the chance, and would like to donate, here is the link to my team page: http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/BTW-SD?team_id=29340&pg=team&fr_id=1420 And by all means, if you would like to walk on Team Scotch on the Rocks, you are very welcome to join us!

Special thanks to Margie, Rebekah and Jake, my sweet girl Kristin, and especially to Linda, who has signed up to walk with me on Saturday.

As with any cause, the answer is research...And research takes money. I have often been thankful that someone like Ted Kennedy had a brain tumor. I know that sounds awful, because of course, I would not wish it upon anyone in the world. But, the fact that someone as powerful, influential, famous, (or infamous) as Ted Kennedy suffered from the same affliction as my Father, at roughly the same time, has brought this disease into the spotlight. It allowed me to garner greater knowledge about this affliction because of the notoriety of Senator Kennedy. It has helped to further the research, and given a platform to discuss new and promising treatments for all types of cancer. Michael J. Fox has done the same for Parkinson's...And others have taken causes that touched them through someone else...Danny Thomas and St. Jude's Hospital, Jerry Lewis and Muscular Dystrophy, and countless other humanitarians.
Although my Dad succumbed to this horrible disease, as so many do, there is still hope out there for the future. New drugs, vaccines, clinical trials, research...It all leads to longer survival times, and hopefully, sooner than later, a cure. Brain Cancer and brain tumors are equal opportunity offenders...It can happen at any age, any race, any financial status...Any race, color, creed...The prince and the pauper, and everyone in between. They do not know the cause, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. It could happen to anyone of us, and most likely, will touch you or someone you love or know again in your lifetime. We need to stop brain tumors in their tracks.

Last year, when I did this walk, it was so inspiring. Listening to those who have survived, the stories of those who have not...But the hope that resonated with each and every person there, and the camaraderie and one-ness of that group of people was intoxicating. I remember my Dad being so excited and proud of "Team Scotch on the Rocks." He was so proud and excited that we were walking in his honor...That will be with me once again as I walk on Saturday. My Dad will be right there next to me, taking every step, every breath, crying every tear, and relishing every smile and moment.

Much love.

Raw...

I think one of the biggest ways grief has hit me, (at least it is most noticeable to me), is that I am very sensitive. Yes, sensitive in the way I should be, but also heightened in my senses...The days seem brighter, the colors of our world more vivid somehow. I am much more observant of the little things, moments, feelings, smells...It is like living in the moment, but so much deeper somehow.

A couple of examples...I was in Home Depot several weeks ago, and someone dropped a whole load of PVC pipes...The sound made me jump about 2 feet in the air and flinch like I had been slapped. Yes, I get startled like anyone else, but the reaction was so extreme, it shocked even me. And a few weeks ago, some of my co-workers thought I had finally fallen off the deep end when I kept talking about how clear the day was, and how the sky seemed so much bluer and the trees so much greener than normal...They said they still looked the same to them.

Really, like most things, it is a blessing and a curse. I think I want to make so much of my life to honor my parents, I may be trying too hard. But on the same token, I feel so lucky, so appreciative...Blissful over these little moments.

One of the things that has happened most recently is my observation of music and lyrics, and how there are a handful of songs that have come out in the past year where I feel they are singing from my soul. Most of them make me cry in the car almost every time I hear them, some make me smile...Here are a couple examples...

Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Basically a song about a king who has been dethroned and is lamenting about his mistakes...Now, I have never been king, and I am pretty settled on my past and how I live my life, but some of the lyrics, particularly at the beginning of the song interpret how I have been feeling over the course of the year...I feel like before this all began, I was on top of the world, and everything was good and right...Of course at the time, I didn't think that, but hindsight is 20-20...Here are the lyrics that speak my feelings...

I used to rule the world
seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
sweep the streets I used to own

And

One minute I held the key
next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
on pillars of salt and pillars of sand

You Found Me by The Fray

Another song that cuts me to the core...I feel like it is sort of a modern interpretation of the poem "Footprints." Feeling that during the most trying times in life, God is not really giving us the answers we want. I feel like it about questioning faith and finding it again (or being found). I am sure it is about a love story, as he mentions "her" in the lyrics, but in the context, to me it is my Mom...Because she knew me best of all. I could put the lyrics from beginning to end, because they all fit, but the ones that hit closest to home are the following:

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait, where were you, where were you
Just a little late, you found me, you found me

But in the end, everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long she'll be next to me

Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas

I have heard that he wrote this song about his wife and her battle with lupus. This song speaks to me about the frustration and helplessness in dealing with someone else's pain and suffering. Watching both my parents go what they went through was excruciating, especially Mom. Now I feel that many of those around me experience much of the same. Emotional healing is a painful process for both the person going through it, as well as those who are there in support. It is hard sometimes to put into words what would make things better, when you are not sure yourself, you just know it is not good...Once again, this entire song speaks to me, but here are a few choice lyrics:

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
and she lays back down
Man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing
like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
she rubs her eyes
isn't it funny how night can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
but if she feels bad, then I do too
so I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
her tears like diamonds on the floor
and her diamonds bring me down
'cuz I can't help her now
she's down in it
she tried her best and now she can't win it's
hard to see them on the ground
her diamonds falling down

I am sure that my post is a little "Debbie Downer," but it really isn't. There are other songs that hit me and have me laughing...Maybe I will write about those next post.:)

Until then, much love!

What is time?

6 months...Just a blink in time...But yet an eternity.  Today is 6 months since the passing of my wonderful, strong, kind, brilliant Father.  Not a day goes by that I don't mourn his loss or weep that my life is somehow less without him.  Yes, I attend my self-pity party on a regular basis, and although this Earth is less without him as well, I was lucky enough to be his daughter.  He was my hero, my teacher, my mentor...He taught me patience, tolerance, how to love, learn and right my wrongs.  To stand up for myself, to value each and every day, to appreciate the gifts and challenges that everyday brings.  Because we only get one chance at this life.

One chance...This is it...One time, one body, one mind.  No one glides through perfectly...There are bumps and bruises and devastating tragedies.  But, on the flip side, there are joys...So many joys.  Amazing people, amazing moments, amazing things to see, hear, taste, touch, feel, sense, ponder, create, appreciate, improve, invent.  And I think we can learn from it all.

Many people were afflicted with Poliomyelitis...A death sentence in some cases, paralysis in 1% of the cases, and 90% of the cases, there were no symptoms at all.  A promising young athlete, following in his father's footsteps, plays football one evening, unable to walk the next day...This story could have ended badly.  So many people would give up, lose the will to fight, finally get so tired and frustrated and fall prey to self-pity and allow others to do things for them.  Not my Dad.

Edward "Scotchie" Reed not only never complained, or used it as any excuse, he also never took it for granted.  He used it to motivate him, to allow him to appreciate the things he learned, the things he accomplished, the mountains he climbed, the successes he achieved...Not only in spite of Polio, but, perhaps, because of it.

Yes, 6 months later, and I do my best to embody those qualities my Father so effortlessly exhibited, every single day of his life.  I try to be strong, not for him or Mom, but for myself.

Some people have told me that I am a lot like my Dad...A higher compliment I can barely fathom.  Time waits for no one.  Each day that passes is another day away from being able to hug my Dad, ask his opinion, see him smile, hear his laugh.  I still talk to him...Share sunsets, happy moments, funny moments, ask him to give me strength in weak moments...But, as with any loss of someone close, that ability to look that person in the eyes, tough their hand, feel their embrace, hear the sound of their voice the pain is real and constant.  The ache of want can be overwhelming at times.  But, in the spirit of my wonderful Dad, recognizing the pain, but not letting it take over...Allowing it to create the balance of life, is the key.  

As Joni Mitchell sang, "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone," it truly makes life richer and fuller when you make an effort to really look at what we are presented with in this world.  Amazing friends, beautiful vistas, tough love, silly dogs, and so many, many other personal things to each and every one of us...Make an effort to be present in your life in this world, because you just never know what it holds next.  

I love you Pop.  And much love to you all.