Welcome 2009!

Early Happy New Year's to everyone!

I hope your Christmas was wonderful! Ours was nice...Different, but nice. Mom and I had a nice day, cooking prime rib, exchanging gifts, watching Newman play with his new toys, and we even shared a nice game of bowling on my new Nintendo Wii. After dinner, we went down to see Dad. It was a very quiet Christmas, full of the important things...Love, being together and hope.

Mom and I went to see the thoracic surgeon on Monday, and they have scheduled her to have the lower lobe of her right lung removed early next week. We will know Monday which day they will do the surgery. It is a big surgery, but it has the best outcome of all the procedures. Mom will be in the hospital 5-6 days and will be recovering at home for 4-6 weeks. I am not looking forward to Mom having to endure the pain (or me having to endure Mom having the pain), but I am looking forward to putting the lung cancer thing behind us. I think she is too.

The Dr. is optimistic that this will take care of it. No chemo or radiation to follow. All good news.

Once again, we aren't telling Dad. I am not sure how long the "Mom's not feeling good" excuse is going to last this time, but Dad really doesn't have a great sense of time, so hopefully we will be able to keep him at bay until Mom feels up to going down for a visit. It will probably be a week or two before I can take her down, but hopefully it will motivate her to want to get better quickly.

Tonight should be quiet and hopeful. I am spending it with friends, and Mom is planning on spending the evening with Dad and then going home.

I am ready for 2008 to be gone...It has continued to be just heartbreaking over the holidays...After a good life of 19 years, my good friend Rachelle's dog Penny passed away, and I know she and Tucker are somewhere running through the fields together and falling asleep in the sunshine, and my friend Chris's house nearly burned down on Christmas day. Her portion of the duplex did not burn, but there is smoke damage, no power and she is homeless and living with my friend Chelle (who broke her left foot and right ankle a month ago)...Sheesh, I am beginning to think it is me that is bringing the black cloud...If you know me, and things have been going ok for you, just do me a favor and drive extra careful, watch where you are walking, don't skip any doctors appointments, and don't forget to unplug the iron...Just to be safe...;)

To all of you that have been there for us this year, I thank you with all my heart. We couldn't have made it this far without your help, love, support and time. Your visits with Dad, your kind words, calls, cards, rides, hugs, good thoughts, little gifts, flowers, and friendship have meant more than you will ever know to my family.

I hope that for all of us, 2009 is full of love, laughter, peace, hope, prosperity and many, many good times to come. In the immortal words of Charles Dickens via Tiny Tim..."God Bless us...Every one."

Much love and thanks!

Merry Christmas to all!

Well, sorry for the long time since last post. These few weeks have been a real rollercoaster of emotions for me. First of all, thank you all who came by for Dad's birthday party. I think he was excited to see everyone, although a little overwhelmed...I was actually surprised as to how he was able to recognize most everyone! The man can't remember what he had for dinner the day before, but he knew people's faces. Those of you who couldn't make it, we know you were there with us in spirit...But you missed out on some good cupcakes!:)

The very next day, we got a phone call from Mom's oncologist who was trying to set up another spinal tap for Mom...He gave us the news that he didn't need to do another spinal tap (yay!) because he had spoken to the infectious disease Dr. that treated Mom in the hospital and he said that Mom had the eye problems because she had tested positive for West Nile Virus back in September...Wait...What? So, we had about 4 days of waiting to see the September test results that were being faxed over from the infectious disease guy because it was never noted in her chart (a result was never entered), never told to her primary, and because this is such a new disease, the CDC lists the gender, county and age of all WNV victims, and she wasn't on that list. So, eventually, we received the news yesterday that her test had actually come back negative. I had gotten sort of used to being able to blame her eye problems on something, but now we are right back to not knowing the cause.

In addition to several really annoying little frustrations in life, Mom and I both have the icky cold going around. I am cursed with too much to do and too little time, just like everyone else, and it is sort of weird trying to figure out how exactly to celebrate this wonderful time of year.

Tonight, my Aunt and Cousin moved our traditional Christmas Eve celebration down to Magnolia. We had our traditional "Hamburger Soup," some champagne, and exchanged gifts. It was a different location, but the spirit was there, and Dad got to be present. He has a hard time sitting in a wheelchair for very long, but he was able to enjoy some fudge and spend some time with all of us. It was a very nice evening.

Tomorrow, Mom and Newman and I will be cooking a small prime rib, opening most of our gifts to each other, and then going down to see Dad. We plan on keeping a few gifts so we can all open together, and hopefully he will enjoy a few bites of prime rib.

I hope all is well with you all and this holiday is magical and filled with love, happiness, prosperity and hope. I especially want to say thank you to you all for your love and support this year and during this time of year.

Blessings to all!

Looking pretty good...

You know, Dad has been doing pretty well the past few nights. My Aunt called after she was there last week to say that he was talkative and ate pretty well. Each day since, he has been the same or better. He seems to be hungry, lucid, awake and most important, happy.

Still remains cold though. I got him and early birthday gift to help remedy this. I did a little research and found a microwavable heating pad that is supposed to be for your back. It is about 12 inches by 15 inches, and has a half-circle cut out so it can go over your shoulders. It is covered with microfiber and stuffed with some sort of beads or beans...You put it in the microwave for 2 minutes, and voila'! The answer to some of my Dad's problems! But instead of putting it on his back, I just laid it on his chest, over his arms and hands. I truly haven't seen him that happy in a long time. My heart just sang.

I am hoping that it will help him stay warm while he is in the wheelchair for his party on Sunday. One of the problems with him being in his wheelchair, is it is hard to keep a blanket around him. I truly cannot imagine anything worse than being too cold or too hot and not being able to do anything about it.

Anyway, hope to see you all at the party/open house for Dad's birthday on Sunday.

Much love to all!

Hopeful...

Well, according to the PET scan, it appears Mom's lung cancer is isolated and has not spread. Great news! They are doing another MRI of her head and eye to rule out any probability of cancer there. It is rare but possible for cancer cells to break off into the bloodstream and attach somewhere else in the body, and occasionally, this sort of condition with her eye can be evidence of that. It was one of the things they tested for while she was in the hospital, but all of the tests turned out negative. However, if this was the case, but just too small to identify at the time, it would have have a few months to mature, and would show up on a scan now. This is just to double check why her eye is healing not as quickly as hoped. We go back to the oncologist on the 15th of December to find out the results to that and hopefully recommendations on treatment of the lung cancer.


Her lung function test proved that her lungs are in pretty good shape as far as functioning well (surprising considering her years of smoking), but it looks like she may have some issues with oxygen diffusion. She may have some vascular issues, which could be related to the buildup of plaque in her carotid artery. This plaque buildup in her arteries could be all throughout the veins and arteries in her body, and it could hinder the oxygen absorption into her bloodstream. This seems to be minimal in comparison to the cancer, but I just wish she would quit smoking as that would be better for her health all around.

We got Dad's thyroid test back and it is normal. This upset me quite a bit. I just had such high hopes that the issues he was facing could be fixed with a pill. The doctor thinks that the area in his brain that regulates temperature has been effected by the cancer (or treatment), and he is probably so tired as a result of the late onset side effects of the treatments. UGH! So frustrated! I am continuing to research and push them to keep investigating. It is not fair for Dad to have to lead his life asleep in bed under 8 blankets. I am so thankful that he has done as well as he has knowing the type and extent of the disease, and that he is not really in any pain, but what sort of quality of life does he have? Very frustrating...Just got to keep fighting.

On a happier note, Mom and my Aunt and I are planning on hosting a sort of birthday open house for Dad on Sunday, December 14th at his care facility. We are thinking just cake and coffee, and would love for people to stop by for a visit and to wish him a happy 74th birthday in the afternoon, from about 2:00 to 4:00 or so. Please, if you are available, I am sure Dad will be happy for a visit. No gifts please, just smiling faces and well wishes. Stop by for some red velvet cupcakes! Please let me know if you need directions.

Much love!

Thanksgiving blessings...

Today was quite a long day for both Mom and I. It started at Dr. Levi's office up at 9:00 am. Dr. Levi was glad to see Mom's eye is getting better, but is concerned that it is coming back slower than she had hoped. Once she learned of my Mom's cancer, she wants to keep a close eye on her, and work with the oncologist to keep apprised of Mom's situation. There is a chance that Mom just heals more slowly than average, but in case there is something else going on, she wants to keep her options open.

Mom also had her PET scan today. We won't get the results until Monday when we go see the oncologist. But at least it is over. The PET scan, or Positron Emission Tomography, uses an injected radioactive isotope to identify any cancer cells in the body. So, for the next 24 hours or so, Mom is radioactive...Mom asked the technician what that meant, and asked if she would blow up if she lit a cigarette...I answered a loud and resounding "YES!" The lab tech laughed and told her she indeed, would not. Oh well, A for effort on my part.

We also got the results to Dad's MRI today. The tumors are still there, but are much smaller, and much of the swelling is gone. Dr. Uhl said that this is very good, and on the right track. When I asked about the small tumor on the left, he said it is really very small and he is not really concerned much about it. He said that the radiation is still continuing to do it's job, and the chemo will help to continue to fight the cancer. All in all, he said this is good news. Still waiting for the results to the thyroid test...Guess it will be Monday until I can call again...Or better yet, I plan on finding the Dr. on Monday when Mom and I go see her Dr. at the Cancer Center. One of the main reasons I had Mom choose a different oncologist than Dad is because Dr. Zu's office does not communicate very well, and on more than one occasion does not return any calls to me or to the nursing home. That drives me crazy. I don't think the things I am asking for are unreasonable...But even if they are, some sort of acknowledgement would be appreciated.

So, Mom and I have been invited to my friend Stephanie's family Thanksgiving celebration. It will be nice to celebrate being thankful for our blessings, which include our friends and family especially this year, with those who have been by our sides throughout this year and always. We are going to follow that up with a visit with my Aunt and Uncle and the family, and then down to see Dad. All in all, it is proving to be a downright enjoyable day.

If I haven't adequately expressed my gratitude to all of the phone calls, emails, visits, well wishes, thoughts, prayers, cards, flowers, plants, hugs, smiles, meals, offers of rides, housecleaning, food, and my personal favorite..."Anything," I cannot think of a better day to close my eyes and feel the wave of love and friendship we have been blessed with these last 6 months. I have said in the past, one of the things I pride myself on in life is being a good friend, and surrounding myself with good friends...Good, strong, loyal, caring, thoughtful friends, a trait I learned from my Dad. I am also lucky to have been blessed with family with all of these qualities as well. I have always known how special those close to me are, but I still marvel everyday at the seemingly unending support of all of those special people in our lives. From lifelong friends, family, my co-workers, my Dad's co-workers, our dentists and their amazing staff..I could go on and on...And on. In all that has happened this year, and is still yet to come, I am so thankful for your love and support, and presence in our world. Thank you so much for all you do, for me, for my Mom, and my Dad.

The Reed's are eternally grateful for each and every one of you.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, and may your Black Friday hold amazing deals, if you choose to partake...:)

Much love to all!

Little joys...

So, at work, when someone on my team at work has a birthday, we have a lunch, complete with some sort of dessert. I like to bake, so I sometimes make something, usually cupcakes. So, when August said he would be interested in red velvet cupcakes. I have never had red velvet cupcakes or even cake. It is a rich, sweet cake, stemming from the deep south. It used to be made with beets, but now is made with red food coloring.

Well, I found a recipe online and began the endeavor to make them from scratch. Other than red stains on my hands from the food coloring, in just about 3 hours time, I was able to mix, bake and frost 36 of these red beauties.

They went over well at the birthday lunch, and although they didn't turn out to be my favorite kind of cake, the dense consistency, sweet cream cheese frosting and bright red color were a hit with the group.

The reason I tell you this is because I took the remaining dozen down to Magnolia to give them to the nurses and CNA's that take good care of my Dad. I try to take something to say thank you every week or two. I did hold pull one aside for my Dad.

Well, Dad ate almost half of his cupcake (which is a lot for him these days), and I haven't seen him so pleased with anything in over a month. He kept saying it was "so good it was unbelievable." Then he would say "It is so good, I am not even sure it is real.." And before I left he told me he was proud of me...Now, of course I love it when my Dad says he's proud of me, even if is over a little red cake, but it was more about the way he said it...Not as much about whether or not he is actually proud of me, but to see him be that pleased with anything just made my heart sing. It was truly a good night.

Tomorrow is the MRI that will tell us what is truly going on inside my Dad's skull. Is the radiation and chemo working? Is the tumor the same? Bigger? Smaller? Gone altogether? What are the next steps? More treatments? What is in store. I am hoping for some sort of results on Wednesday. I am also anxious to see the results of the thyroid test. Because regardless of what is going on upstairs, if his thyroid is not working right, and can be helped with simple medication, then it will improve his quality of life significantly.

Wednesday is a big day for Mom. We go see the neuro-opthomologist in the morning and then her PET scan in the afternoon. We then go see the oncologist on Monday, and we will know more about the next steps for her.

Oh, and I also got word today that the HOA has decided to repair my breached sewer line. Of course this includes the jackhammering of my kitchen tile and a foot of concrete, only after I have completely packed up my entire kitchen, and stored it elsewhere...I have to wait for the plumber to call me and schedule all of this, but at least it is in the works.

Keeping the faith, thinking good thoughts, and practicing patience...:)

Love to all!

Digging deep...

Well, yesterday was the Doppler test for Dad, and the Thanksgiving celebration at Magnolia.

The Doppler ultrasound test went ok, it caused Dad some pain when they used the wand on a few parts of his legs. I am not sure what the official results are, but Mom said that they found his circulation was a little slow in the leg most effected by Polio...Big shocker there.

The dinner was pretty nice. They set up tables throughout Magnolia, and there were quite a few guests who came to spend a nice evening dinner with the residents. The food wasn't too bad, and they had live piano playing in two of the rooms. It was a little hectic, but quite enjoyable. Dad had a bit of a hard time because he originally wanted to sit outside, and then he got too cold, and by that time, all the tables were full. So, Mom, Dad and I sat in his room and squeezed in around his little bed table and ate together. Well, Mom and I ate, and Dad didn't. But it was nice to be together and be grateful for all our blessings.

Today was a bit of an ordeal. I met Dad down at the Cancer Center, and when the transportation person arrived with Dad, he had a silver dollar-sized bruise on his shoulder near his neck, and the skin was torn. I know as Dad gets older, his skin is thinner, but this was awful. It didn't seem to bother him much, but it just looks ghastly. From what I can tell, the guy that transported him either tethered him in wrong or too tight. I had the nurses make sure they cleaned it out and put a bandage on it. It just breaks my heart bedause I feel like if I had more time I could have prevented it....Not sure how, but I must have been able to do something to protect him.

And then at the appointment with Dr. Zu, Dad's temperature was 96.1 degrees! I asked the doctor again (I had asked him last appointment) why he is so cold, and he said "well, I can check his thyroid." When I got back to my computer, I looked up what hypothyroidism can cause...And my heart sank. It can cause low body temperature, lack of appetite, extreme drowsiness and fatigue, and even neurological problems like pins and needles and nerve pain...All of which Dad has been experiencing for the past few months. I am so frustrated...I have been asking the nurses and the doctors for weeks why he is experiencing these symptoms, and all I got was "I don't know." Including Dr. Zu. I am hopeful that it is his thyroid, because that can be treated with a pill and should solve or improve a majority of his problems. I am just heartbroken that he has had to endure being so cold, and not enjoy eating, and so drowsy that he missed out on visits with Jay, Paula, Lynn, Jay, Stacy, Jan, Jerry, Mary, Dennis and more.

It just makes me realize that no one, not even the doctors, are focused on my Dad. They do the protocol, what they are supposed to do...Dad is just a number. I don't know why I thought things were different, but it just reminds me that I have to stay on top of them all and push and fight, and make sure they don't write my Dad off. I am so sick of hearing "oh, that is just how the disease progresses." That may be the case, but that is not an excuse not to do everything possible to make whatever time he has left, a month, 6 months, 6 years or 60 years, worth living. This whole thyroid thing makes me feel like I have let him down somehow because I didn't push more. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I have to take that in and remember so that I do my best not to let anything like that happen again.

We go for his MRI on Tuesday, and that will tell us a lot. And you can bet, no matter what it says, I will continue to fight for my Dad.

Have a great weekend...Love to all.

Busy couple of days for Dad...

I am hoping that a couple trips out of Magnolia will help to give Dad a boost. Tomorrow, he is going to Grossmont Hospital for a Doppler Ultrasound on his legs. They have been swollen, and he is always cold, so the house Dr. is worried about his circulation. He has always had some trouble with his circulation in his legs because of the polio, but it seems to have gotten worse. I think it is simply because he rarely gets out of bed...He doesn't move around too much, and I think that has a lot to do with it. Tomorrow evening is Thanksgiving at Magnolia. They have a turkey dinner for the residents and 2 members of their family, so Mom and I are going to be there for turkey with Dad. Then on Friday, Dad goes to see Dr. Zu for a checkup.

Mom went for her lung function test yesterday. They put you in an airtight booth, put a clip on your nose and put this apparatus in your mouth. It measures your lung capacity and how much air you can fill your lungs with, how much you exhale, etc. I guess we will get the results from Dr. Bodkin when we go to see him on the first of December. She still has to do the PET scan sometime in the next week or so.

Also, next week, Dad goes in for his MRI, and Mom goes back to see the neuro-opthomologist as well.

Just keeping it all together...:) Hope you are all doing the same.

Love to all.

Promising day...

Well, we met with the oncologist for Mom today. We don't know much more than we did yesterday, but the news is promising. The tumor is 2.2 centimeters, about as big around as a nickel. Mom will do a PET scan sometime in the next 2 weeks, and if you remember from my Dad, the PET scan is kind of like an MRI, but they inject a different kind of contrast that clings to cancer cells and shows up by glowing. Dr. Bodkin wants to be sure that this tumor is isolated and has not spread. I guess there are some spots on her liver that are suspect, but Dr. Bodkin thinks that they are just cysts, and the PET scan will (hopefully) show that these are indeed, just cysts. The Dr. that did the biopsy, didn't think that the lymph nodes in the chest were involved, but once again, we are hoping that the PET scan will confirm this.

Once we determine the extent of the cancer, there are a multitude of different treatments. If all goes well, and it is isolated, (which is best case scenario and what we are hoping for), then there is a possibility of surgery to remove it, a couple less invasive treatments using a hot probe or a cold probe to destroy the tumor, and a radiation treatment that targets the tumor specifically.

In addition to the PET scan, the Dr. wants to do a lung function test to see if Mom is even a candidate for surgical removal if that is an option.

These tests are to be completed in the next 10-14 days and we go back on December 1st to discuss next steps.

Mom is pleased with the news, and I (being a little paranoid as of late) am remaining cautiously optimistic for now.

Dad continues to be very very tired. He is awake, and knows we are there, but doesn't really open his eyes. He listens to everything and if I ask him a question, he will answer. But most of the time, he just lays there with his eyes closed. We see the oncologist on Friday, and then he gets the long awaited MRI next week. Hopefully, good or bad, it will help explain some of his symptoms.

It has been a long day...It included buying my Mom a new artificial Christmas tree, which when I got it home and put it up, the lights didn't work...And my "Check Engine" light came on...But all in all, as frustrating as the little things are, I am still holding hope that today's news about Mom is as good as it seems.

Love to all!

It should get easier....

So, I have had enough practice lately, but receiving and repeating it just doesn't get easier.

So, we got confirmation on something this week that we were hoping would go a different way. My Mom has lung cancer.

We don't really know much at this point, but we go to the oncologist next week, who can tell us more. What we do know, is that it is one of the non-small types of lung cancer, and the mass they are looking at is about the size of a shooter marble. Other than that, we have to wait to talk to the oncologist.

Needless to say, we are overwhelmed, scared, anxious...Everything you would imagine.

We are not telling Dad, as he does not need anything to worry him. Dad seems to be doing ok. Very sleepy, as usual, but seems to be in good spirits.

I will keep everyone posted on everything as we learn more...

Love to all.

Just a peek...

Well, there is a little bright spot on the horizon...Well, brighter for some...One in particular. Mom's left eyelid is starting to open a little. I noticed it today, but she said she really started to notice it yesterday. The eyeball is slowly coming back as well, but it is still primarily shifted to the left, so when her eyelid does open ever so slightly, she is still seeing double. So, she may need to go back to the eyepatch if it bothers her too much. Although it is driving her crazy, I think I have her understanding that this is really good news.

I did see Dad for a few minutes tonight. Again, very sleepy. But, the CNA said he was up in his wheelchair this afternoon, and he is still on his chemo doses. So he probably needs the sleep so his body can recover.

Well, we seem to be on an upswing this week...I am just hoping it continues!:)

Much love!

Keepin' on keepin' on...

So, Dad was good this past week and this weekend. He is very tired...Sleepy is a better description. I think it is probably the chemotherapy. His appetite is also dwindling. He just doesn't want to eat...I am hoping it is the chemo as well.

Dad goes for his MRI on November 25th. This will tell us how the treatments are working. I am looking foreward to seeing how things are looking.

Other than that, things are going ok...And back to work tomorrow!

Hope all is well with everyone...:)

Much love!

Hope you exercised your right to vote today!

I hope everyone got their votes in for what they believe in...But I have to say...I AM SO GLAD IT IS OVER! The people have spoken...So now let's get rid of the signs and ads and all of those folks who think others are eager to listen to their unrequested opinion...I love this country, I love the freedom of speech, but somehow, what politics turns some people into is just exhausting. There...You got my unrequested opinion!:)

Mom and I went down to see Dad this evening. I had baked some cupcakes for a couple birthdays at work , so I made some extra to take to the staff at Magnolia. They really appreciated it.

Dad was actually pretty good tonight. He was still confused, but he seemed so much clearer, and alert. The past few nights, he has seemed so tired...Even keeping his eyes closed while eating. But tonight, he just seemed so much more with it. Laughing, cracking jokes, and just...Well, present. It was a nice change. As you can imagine, all of this takes a toll on us, and just a glimmer of a good day for Dad makes it easier.

Much love!

Is it Tuesday already?

Things have been ok...Didn't get to see Dad tonight because I had a work meeting, and I have plans tomorrow and Thursday. It is going to be weird not to see him for 3 whole days.

He has been doing pretty good. Still confused, tired, and always very cold. Sometimes he has 5 or 6 blankets on him and he is still freezing cold. I know they keep it cold there, but he is frozen. I printed out a knit hat pattern I plan on putting together in my spare time...(are you laughing too?).

We go to see the eye doctor with Mom tomorrow. This is the eye doctor from the hospital..The one who will do the cataract surgery when it is time for that. I will be interested to see what he thinks of her left eye, and whether it is progressing or not. Sometimes I think it is getting better, and other times, I am just not sure. We don't go back to Dr. Levi at UCSD until next month.

Hope all is well.

Love to all.

Grumpy...

Dad was pretty grumpy tonight...He was acting a little surly when I got there, but he seemed to be doing ok when dinner came. It was a hot dog and chips, which he enjoyed.

About this time, he told my Mom to leave and then turned to me and said "so what happened with the water heater?" I asked him what did he mean by water heater, and he said "you know, your water heater..." So, I realized he was talking about my plumbing, so I said "there isn't anything wrong with my water heater...Do you mean my plumbing under the house?" And he snapped at me and said "whatever it is...That was not very nice of you to not know what I was talking about." So, I apologized, and told him that I was still waiting for the HOA to call...He looked right at me and sternly told me that I was not being very nice to him and it was time for me to go.

So I did...I told him I loved him, kissed him, and wished him sweet dreams, and I left. Oh well, everyone has an off day, and he is probably tired from yesterday...It was an eventful long day.

Well, as Scarlett O'Hara said..."After all...tomorrow is another day."

Love to all.

Whew! Another crazy day!

Well, Mom and I got to the 11:15 doctor's appointment at 10:50, and when we walked in, the appointment was over and had been for about 25 minutes. The transport got him there almost an hour early. We were able to chat with Dr. Zu anyway. Dr. Zu said that he thought Dad looked good, but he was wanting to push for more PT. I asked him why Dad was so confused, and he didn't really have an answer. I told him that Dad is able to speak very clearly and coherently, but the thought process behind it is just not right. He said he is just not sure why, but we should know more after the MRI in about a month. I also asked him about why Dad is always so cold, and he said that it is not a side effect of the medication...I think it is because his circulation is not good because he is in bed so much.

There were some problems with the return transport, and unfortunately, we had to wait around over an hour for him to get picked up. He did get to sit in the sun, where he got the warm sun on his back, and I got some extra time to file Dad's fingernails...A manicure in the sun.

The maid no-showed, but at least I got the house organized, which is a huge improvement to how it has been. So no biggie. But Mom felt bad, and she came over after Dad's appointment and did some dusting...I told her not to, but she said it made her feel like she was needed and that it made her feel good to do something for me, since I do so much for them. I appreciated it, and she says she feels better...I guess everybody's happy.

Dad was in his wheelchair most of the day. And, although confused, he was much more alert and inquisitive this evening. I spoke with his nurse about the transportation debacle, and asked if there is anyway we can try and get him out of bed everyday, even for an hour or two. I wish he would roll himself around...It would get him to use his arms more and help him with his coordination...One thing at a time I guess. His nurse said she would work with the other staff to try and get him up.

My Aunt came down for dinner with Dad. I picked Newman up from doggie day care and took him with me to Magnolia. Both Newman and Dad were exhausted from the day. I think they both will get good night's sleep tonight.

I wish you all sweet dreams, and wonderful night's sleep tonight!

Love to all.

Hello...Yes...Still here...

Hey everyone...I know...Long time no post. Last week was just overwhelming in many ways, and each night found me either tired, exhausted, lazy, emotional, busy, sad...Something that always made me think I didn't want to post to the blog...Sorry about that...

Everyone is doing ok. Mom is slowly recovering from her surgery...Well, she is actually recovering just fine, but her constantly talking and worrying about it makes it feel so much longer to me, I guess. She is quite sore where the incision is, and she is not really happy with the final result. I keep hoping that it is just swelling and it will look better in a week or two, but we will just have to wait and see. There is a little pucker of skin in front of the incision which sticks out a little, and she keeps calling it her "Adam's apple" and I keep trying to tell her that she doesn't have one of those because she is a woman. And she asks what it is, and when I tell her that it is just skin, she tells me I am wrong because it is "hard, like bone...Could it be the esophagus bone?" She doesn't believe me that there is no such thing, and that there is probably glue which feels hard, but that it is just sking...I am not sure whether to laugh or cry.

She is driving down to see Dad, and maybe to the coffee shop, but that is about it...And that is ok with me. I am going to have to figure something else out next week when we hit daylight saving time starts...It will be getting dark pretty early..I guess I will cross that bridge when we get there.

I am missing my little dog a lot lately. I have been picking up for the maid (my friends make fun of me for this, but how can she wipe down my table if there is junk mail on it???), and picking up all of Tucker's toys just makes my heart ache. I went and picked up the little clay paw print that my vet made for me today, and I basically started crying when I walked in the door. I just miss him so much. He had so much personality, even down to the end. I had a dream with him in it the other night, and it was like losing him all over again when I woke and he wasn't here. Newman is doing pretty good, and he will be a lot better when he gets to go to doggie day care tomorrow for a bath and a romp with the other dogs. I fear he is getting a little lonely.

Let's see, and in addition to that, the plumber from the HOA came out with the camera to look at the roots growing in my sewer line. I was really concerned that they were going to have to dig into my garage floor...Silly me...That is what I get for worrying and not considering worse case scenario. No, they discovered that my root intrusion is located directly under my pantry floor in my kitchen. If it were still linoleum, like it was when I moved in, that wouldn't be a problem...Only thing is, I had tile put in 3 years ago with my EcoTimber flooring. So, IF the HOA decides to fix the problem (they may opt to "maintain" which means visits every 3-6 months where the plumber comes, pulls my toilet, augers the roots out of the drain...Which sounds fine until the roots grow extra fast one time and I am back to sewage flooding my house), then I have to empty my pantry, lose 3 tiles, and deal with jackhammering 1ft 7 inches down into my foundation...Complete with the dust, dirt, noise...I guess I will just roll with the punches and be thankful it is not under my wood flooring...Tile can be replaced and not look any different. I will have to wait and see what the board decides...But, according to one of the 4 plumbers that were here, I have the great distinction of being the first resident here at Daybreak to have a problem of this nature actually IN the residence. I am so cutting edge...

Now, to Dad, the man you are here to hear about. He is doing ok. Not much change. Still confused, still not getting much exercise, still loving the sweet stuff.:) Last week, we had a great conversation...We played 20 questions because he could not think of the name of a roll he was thinking of...After many clues...Q. "Is it sweet or savory? A. Not sweet." Q. "Where do you buy it?" A. "Up on the corner at a store." Q. "Do you put stuff on it?" A. "Sometimes." After going round and round, he finally came up with "Kaiser Roll." He said he wanted one "NOW." I told him he would have to wait until Saturday, to which he agreed to...For about 5 minutes, then he wanted one "NOW." Anyway, I went and got some Kaiser Rolls (which he for some reason he started calling "Austin" and then "Shaw..." I was beginning to think we may have "Czar" rolls and perhaps "Emperor" rolls next). Well, I made him a sandwich to die for on Saturday...Kaiser roll, mayo, mustard, turkey, swiss, bacon and avocado...Everything just like he asked for it. I brought a diet Coke and some Kettle chips...What more could a man want? I unwrapped it, gave him a bite...And he screwed up his little face and shook his head and said "there is a flavor I do not care for..." I have learned not to take it personally. I am sure it is the chemo. I will just have to deconstruct the sandwich until we figure out what things he doesn't like. He did eat his chips though, so it wasn't a total loss. I spent several hours with him on Saturday, and a several on Sunday too. I got him up and outside on Saturday, and opened a fresh pack of smokes, and he took one drag and said "this is awful." He said that he needed different cigars, and of course, being the dutiful daughter I am, posed the possibility that he just might not like smoking anymore, and he looked me right in the eye, and said "you know, you may be right..." And then he promptly smoked 4 more "awful" cigars without complaint.

He has taken to a new habit...When he isn't paying attention, and someone asks him a question, or he overhears a piece of a conversation that suddenly is of interest, his eyes get real big and he says "What?" It is hard to convey in the blog, but his intonation and manner in which he says it is so funny. It is sort of incredulous...And after a kind of pause...And he says it real quick, and kind of breathy...And sometimes, he will just mouth it if he is saying it to himself. It is pretty funny.

He is more confused than ever, and will say one thing, and I will repeat it, or ask him a question about it, and he says something different when he answers. When I try to clarify, or correct him, he gets really mad at me. And I learned my lesson...When he asks me "how are the doggies doing?" I tell him they are fine, so I don't have to have us both relive Tucker's death again. And tonight, he was confused as to which of his friends had passed away...So when I told him it was Glenn that had passed, and that Jack is ok (sorry Jack), it was almost like telling him all over again, but not quite as bad. I just hope that the next time Jack comes for a visit, Dad doesn't think he is seeing a ghost.:) Just kidding...He won't remember by then.

We go to the chemo oncologist tomorrow. I have a list of questions to ask...Not sure what answers will be there. But one of the top ones is that I expected him to get better being off of the radiation and chemo...Not get worse. One of the problems is, he puts on his game face for the doctors. He knows it is serious and doesn't want to waste their time, so he is attentive, asks pretty good and clear questions, nods his head at the right times...The radiation oncologist thought he looked pretty good...If he only knew...:) Oh well, I can only do what one girl can do I guess, and I shouldn't be ashamed of that.

I know that this is a long post tonight, but you deserve it for my 5 day sabbatical. I will let you know how the appointment goes in tomorrow's blog. Until then, have a great Tuesday!

Much love.

Brought Mom home today. She is still in pain, but otherwise doing pretty ok. She is kind of emotional, as this is all a lot on her, but that too shall pass.

I thought Mom was pigeon-holed into having to be a pirate for Halloween with the eye, but I am thinking she may be able to be a B-movie slasher victim...The incision on her neck is quite sizable. It is horizontal, and about halfway between her shoulder and her ear, wrapping around toward the front. It is about 3.5 inches long! They used glue to close it, so it should heal pretty well, and once the swelling goes down a little, you will probably not really be able to see it. Let's hope so anyway...

I got to the hospital at about 11:00, and she told me that they had not discharged her yet, and Dr. Guzzetta (who assisted on the surgery) came by and told her she could stay another day if she wanted to. But, her IV was hurting, and the woman in the room next door "must be on dope" (according to my Mom...The girl was severely agitated and was yelling), and her roomate turned on the television at 5:00 am...So, she decided to come home. We got her home at about 3:00.

Tonight was a little rough...I think the emotions and having to be on her own when she is recovering from surgery is really hard on her. And try as I might, I am just not my Dad. I am hoping that tomorrow will be a little better with another day of healing under her belt and perhaps a good night's sleep.

I did spend several hours with Dad today, and told him that Mom is tired and resting, taking care of herself for a couple days. He bought it...Sort of. He was in pretty good spirits today.

Mom is not sure if she is going to go see Dad tomorrow...She just may wait another day or so. My Aunt said that she will give her a ride if she decides to go, and if she doesn't want to go tomorrow, my Aunt will go down and see Dad. I am going to try and go to the Jimmy Buffett concert tomorrow with friends...If all goes well with Mom tonight and tomorrow. Just got to wait and see...:)

Much love!

All went very well today...

Well, although 5:00 am came very early, and I am exhausted, today went very well. Mom was in surgery for just under 2 hours, and the doctor said everything went well. He said she should be released tomorrow morning. She was in pretty good spirits, but in quite a bit of pain. They were going to work with her pain meds this evening to make sure they could control her pain with pills so she can go home.

She got into her room on the 4th floor (a new floor of nurses for her to harass) around Noon. She has a large bandage on her neck, and they are watching for signs of bleeding and making sure she is comfortable. She is a little worried about driving, at least initially...She does pretty good,but not being able to turn her head while her neck heals will put a pretty significant impact on her driving abilities. I told her that we would work it out when she is feeling up to going to see Dad, and hopefully, if some of the offers still stand, perhaps we can beg some rides down to Magnolia, and I can bring her home when I get there after work.

My friend Stephanie came down and sat with me, and then once Mom was settled, we went and grabbed lunch. I went back and checked on Mom, and then went home to catch an hour nap and then off to see Dad. He was doing pretty well this evening. Same typical conversations, but we did have one bad moment. He asked me how the doggies were doing and when I told him I only had one doggie, and that Tucker had passed away, he was shocked and devastated and began crying. I tried to explain that we told him when it happened a few weeks back, he said that we never told him. It was hard to relive it all over again, and to see Dad get so emotional. But, we made it through, and he will once again forget. I just have to prepare for next time...

After Dad, I went back down to check on Mom. She was doing well this evening and is waiting to see when she will be up to seeing Dad again. She is going back and forth on whether or not she should tell him about the surgery. I hope she decides against it. Her point is that no matter what, he will forget anyway, but why even risk upsetting him for a moment....But, I have to leave that decision up to her.

I did get a call from the HOA plumber, and they will be coming to pull my toilet and put a camera down into my sewer line to check out the tree damage on Friday morning. So, another thing to hopefully get taken care of...

Time to hit the hay...My poor little Newman is pretty tired from our early morning...I am going to join him in sleepland...:)

Thanks to all your prayers and good thoughts today...They really worked!:)

Love to all!

4 months, 100 posts...

So, yes, on the 4 month anniversary of my Dad's surgery, it is only fitting that this would be my 100th blog post.

Dad is good, but as confused as ever. We have a similar conversation every night...It begins with his plans..."We are going to go home, and get ready and then we are just going to go..." I ask where he is going, and he is all ready to head up to Barona with Mom to get their favorite room. Then he asks me how we are going to be sure they get the room comped, and who we should tell that they will be gone.

I usually try to play the "If I were you, I would just stay in bed right where you are if I were you..." Sometimes he buys it, sometimes he doesn't...I just try over again each time.

Mom goes in for surgery tomorrow. She was originally scheduled for 2:00 p.m., but they changed it today to 7:30 a.m....Which means we need to be there to check her in at *gulp* 5:30 a.m. Sheesh that is early, but at least Mom doesn't have to go through 6 hours of no eating, drinking or smoking...That could be scary...:)

I will keep everyone posted on how she is doing, and hopefully she will be back home on Wednesday. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow and all will be just fine.

Much love!

Blessing? Or curse?

Well, the good news is that the confusion Dad has is all encompassing, and today, although deep down, he knows he misses Glenn, it is not something that he dwells on. I know he hasn't forgotten totally, because he said today that he really wants to talk to Jack. I know that he wants to talk about Glenn, but he is either really good at burying them, or just unable to organize his thoughts in such a way that he can readily retrieve them.

It is sometimes difficult, because he speaks so clearly, looks so good...It is hard to believe that this person before me, angry, emotional, visibly frustrated, demanding is my Dad...And then in the next second, he will say something or do something that is so thoroughly my Dad. Like tonight, he was talking complete nonsense (in perfect sentences), and he stopped and thought for a second and said "I've got a sneakin' suspicion that I am going to need my shoes to go to Barona tonight." Well, the Barona part is disconcerting, but the "sneakin' suspicion" part is all Scotch.

He did have some visitors today. Both my Aunt and our good friend Jay came by to see him today.

I also got a message from my friend Debbie today. She said that she went down and talked with the PT at Magnolia, and they agreed to start a little more aggressive PT, hopefully starting tomorrow. So I had a discussion with Dad to try and make sure that he is motivated to try some new and tougher PT. I want to make sure he is in the right mood to try hard. I am afraid that if he does not make an effort, they may revoke it or say he is not ready. I just have to hope that he is into it, and perhaps gives him back some of the motivation he needs to work to get stronger and with luck and determination, maybe some more mobility. I just have to hope and do my best to try and inspire him.

Wish us all lots of hope and a little luck.

Much love.

Another tough day...

Today was a tough day for Dad all around. When my Mom arrived this afternoon, she was greeted halfway down the long hallway to my Dad yelling at the top of his lungs. He was very agitated and upset and was hollering to "get out of here," and he "wasn't going to take it anymore..." When Mom rounded the corner into his room, one of the sweet CNA's was in the room, holding Dad's hand and stroking his arm, and speaking softly to him, trying to calm him down. Mom said he was so loud and demanding that Edward, the very quiet man next to him was in his wheelchair holding his head and crying.

Mom asked the nurse to give him something to calm him down and so they gave him an Ativan. By the time I got there at about 6:30, he was calm, but surprisingly, not at all tired or loopy, which when he had those bouts of severe agitation in Arbor Hills right after his surgery, a dose of Ativan would put him out for several hours.

Not sure what set him off. The CNA that was trying to calm him down came back in while I was there, and she asked him if he was feeling better, and he said yes, and apologized and thanked her for being there. So, he was aware of what he did, but I am not sure why he did it. At one point, Dad told me that he needed money to pay the girls for taking such good care of him...This is a common request, and I tell him time and again that they cannot accept money from him, or they will get fired. He argues with me every time, and I try to appease him by telling him I will bring a cake or other pastry in each week as a thank you to the staff. Apparently that is not good enough. Funny thing is, when I asked him today why he was so upset earlier in the afternoon, he said that he wanted out because he got such poor care and no one gave a damn...When I questioned why he wanted to give money to those who didn't give a damn, he looked at me like I asked him in French...He is just so confused.

On top of this, we found out that one of my Dad's great friends passed away this morning. My Dad, his friend Jack and Glenn would go to Hooter's once a month for lunch. Glenn was an amazing man and very dear to my Dad. They were all very close and truly enjoyed each other's company. Glenn and his wife Nan came to visit Dad quite often when he was at Arbor Hills, and Nan has been a tremendous comfort with her support and emails throughout all of this. She used to be a nurse and has provided a lot of background on all of these medical terms and been a pillar of support. Glenn will be missed tremendously by us all.

After Dad's afternoon, I probably would have chosen to wait to tell him about Glenn, but Mom told him before I got there, after he calmed down from his tantrum. She said he took it well initially. When I walked in, Mom had stepped out for a minute, and when I said "hi Dad" he said "I am so glad you are here, I need your help..." I said "with what Dad?" and he said "Glenn died" and he started to cry. We talked a lot about Glenn and how special he was, and he was very concerned about Nan. He wanted me to call her right then so he could talk to her. I told him that I am sure she did not want to talk tonight, and maybe we could call her in few days. He truly loved Glenn and still loves Nan so much.

So, needless to say, it was a bad day all around. It is so hard to deal with the good days, and days like this are almost unbearable emotionally all around. My heart goes out to Nan, and so thankful to her for her support and for their visits to Dad.

Love to all.

The "Thing"

I saw Dad today. He was doing ok. Still confused. It is just heartbreaking sometimes. We were trying to watch the debates, and he would latch on to a word and it would set him off. When they asked the question about new energy and whether or not they should put all the money into a "Manhattan Project" like they did for the bomb, my Dad said "oh good...Now they are talking about the bomb!" It is sometimes hard to take that just a few short months ago, things were so different.

I did try and encourage him to keep on the PT girl and tell her that he wanted to work harder and longer and wanted to get stronger. He said he told her this today, and she said "just keep telling us that each time..." Um...What does that mean? It could mean a couple of things...It could mean that Dad has no idea what he is talking about...It could mean that he does know what he is talking about, and she did say that, but she said it to measure his level of determination (and if that is the case, she does not know my Dad)...Or she said it and is just that cold. I am going to wait until my friend Debbie meets with her this week and see what happens. Let's hope for the best.:)

Much love...

A couple of days off...From blogging...

The weekend was good, but still struggling with balancing it all. Some good things in store though...

Got the call from the vascular surgeon's office today, and Mom goes in for her surgery next Tuesday, and she will be in the hospital overnight. She is really looking forward to getting it over with.

Also spoke to my good friend "Debbie" today...Remember? Debbie from Sharp? My Dad's case worker? Well, she is going down later this week to talk to the physical therapist at Magnolia. She had been down there a few weeks back as she was checking into Dr. Zu's request for additional therapy. She said that the PT told her that my Dad was too weak and tired for additional therapy and he would not progress, and that he was too run down due to the treatments. Well, she was quite shocked when I told her that he was only getting 45 minutes a week, and that he has been done with his treatments for several weeks. Debbie will be paying a visit to Magnolia later this week for a consultation with the PT. I have high hopes.

Other than that, things are good. In addition to so many thoughtful sympathies from my friends and family, I got the most thoughtful card from my Vet (she is wonderful), and then the office sent me the sweetest little flower arrangement. I still feel Dr. Unger was the reason Tucker had the good life he did for the past year and a half. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful place to take care of my little guys...Well, Newman now.

Speaking of Newman, he is doing well without Tucker. He seems fairly unaffected. He still loves going outside, he eats, sleeps, plays...Pretty much all the same things he did when Tucker was here. I guess it is a good thing, as I have enough to deal with without having a depressed dog.:)

Still waiting to hear from the HOA regarding the next steps on my sewer line. I have a tremendous fear that they will have to pull up my whole garage floor, which means pulling out all my cabinets, and all my Christmas decor...I am just holding my breath to see what is going to happen.

So, just a last little bit about Dad. He gets more and more confused each day. I am not sure what to make of it. I don't know if there is a reason for it...Be it chemo side effects, boredom, frustration, a sign that the cancer is still growing...I just don't know. He often will start a sentence or a story, and completely forget it mid-sentence. Now, I do this on a pretty regular basis, but he will do this several times over a period of a few minutes. He will also tell strange stories...Today he said "hey, they had a problem down at SeaWorld today..." so I asked him what kind of problem, and he said "they had a problem with the big displays." I asked him what displays, and he looked right at me, fairly annoyed, and said "they had problems with the big displays for the blogs." Ok, now, I am just not sure where he gets this stuff...I guess with hopes that the PT helps get him motivated, and then we will have to see where the cancer stands in December...And hope for the best.

Anyway, hope everyone had a good weekend. Oktoberfest was fun, but damp on Saturday, and spent Sunday replacing the Malibu light I ran over at my parent's house...Good times.

Much love to all!

No news is good news...Again.

Mom and I went and saw Dr. Leah Levi today. She is the neuro-opthamologist at the Shiley Eye Center at UCSD. She was absolutely amazing. The good news is that she came up with the same results as all of the doctors at Grossmont Hospital.

So what makes her so amazing? I am sure you are asking that question. She spent close to 2 hours with us, she was inquisitive, kind, easy to talk to, and you can just tell she knows what she is doing. Although she gave the same possible causes...A small stroke in the nerve, which she explained is not like a standard stroke in the brain, but a small momentary circulation problem with the blood supply to the nerve, which unlike a stroke in the brain, can heal over time. The other possibility is the elevated inflammatory response that was in my Mom's spinal fluid.

With the stroke theory, she said it is unusual that with this presentation, for the pupil to be involved, which it is, so that is strange. Usually if the pupil is involved, that signifies an aneurysm, which there is no sign of. If it was a small stroke in the nerve, it is something usually seen in people who have high cholesterol, high blood pressure or diabetes, and my Mom has none of those. The good news is, like the other doctors, Dr. Levi said that it will heal in 3 months. She said that not much happens during the first month (which will be next week!), but by the end of the second month, there should be more movement of the eyeball and increased ability of the eyelid. And by the end of the third month, things should be practically back to normal

The inflammation results from the spinal tap are also intriguing to Dr. Levi, and she is going to keep that in the back of her mind. She said that if this was caused by inflammation in the spinal fluid, it could take longer than 3 months to heal, but it will heal. She said that inflammation can cause this, but it is usually gradual over time and it is not characteristic to occur over the period of a few hours.

When we go back to see her in November, if Mom is not healed to the point Dr. Levi thinks she should be, she may prescribe steroids to see if the inflammation is still part of the problem, which would also, in theory, help it to clear up.

She was very impressed with the care Mom received at Grossmont. She was impressed with all the tests, the reports and how thorough everyone was in trying to get to the source of the problem. She said that she would have done exactly the same tests. This makes me feel good about the level of care at Grossmont. I was pleased with the care that both my Dad received and now my Mom, but it still is reassuring to know that it is not just my perception.

We have quite a bit ahead of us with Mom in the next 2 months. She is supposed to go in for the endocardectomy to clean out her carotid artery closer to the end of October, then she goes to see the opthamologist at the end of October, and she hopes she will be scheduled for cataract surgery soon as well.

I didn't make it down to see Dad tonight. I got home around 3:30, and laid down for a nap (in the middle of the day...what a luxury!), and Mom called and woke me me up at 5:30. I guess I needed to catch up a little on sleep. I will go down and see Dad tomorrow.

Looking forward to the weekend. Oktoberfest in La Mesa with friends, spending and doing things with Newman so he is not bored or lonely. Although Tucker and Newman did not play together all the time, he has got to miss having someone else in the house with him. Maybe we will go to the dog park for a little while. And of course, trying to play catch up on laundry and house cleaning/organizing, etc.

Love to all.

A night for television...

I got to Dad's a little later than usual. When I got there, he was all settled in bed, and watching television. Mom was there, and we sat and tried to chat...But, Dad would ask a question, without taking his eyes of the television. It was comical...He would ask a question, and then wouldn't listen to the answer, and then 30 seconds later, he would say "what?" It was like a little kid absorbed in a television show.

So needless to say, we didn't get much conversing done.:)

Looking forward to taking Mom to see this doctor tomorrow. She is a specialist and hopefully will be able to either find the cause of my Mom's problems and/or help fix her eye or at least give her hope. Wish us all luck.

Thank you all for your kind wishes about my little Tucker. It gets a little better every day. One of the things that that has helped is a poem that has been given or sent to me by several people. It really helps to ease the pain a bit, and gives me hope that I will see his sweet face again. Here is the poem for your enjoyment...


Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...

Love to all.

Just another day...

Made it through another day...A little less crying, which was difficult because I was reminded how many special people are in my life. I got emails, cards, flowers, hugs, IM's and more. So many who love me and loved Tucker, who care enough to take the time out of their busy lives to share that. So many blessings...

I saw Dad yesterday and for a few minutes last night. He seems to be doing well, but he is still confused. It is weird, because it is not really confusion, but just so random. I really thought I blew it big time last night. Just as we were leaving, Dad said "so, just one more thing, I think you ought to put my shoe in the car." I asked "which car?" He said "my car...In case I want to drive up to Barona later" So, I say "your car is at home in the garage." Well, this just destroyed him. He kept telling me that I had ruined all of his plans and he was almost crying. It just broke my heart.

I have such a hard time trying to figure out what I am supposed to tell him. I am hesitant to tell him "ok Dad, I will put the shoe in your car for you," but I also don't want to break his heart over and over. I guess the good news is that tonight, he had forgotten all about it. Tonight, when I was telling him about taking Mom on Thursday to UCSD, he said "I might drive up there too..." I diverted and changed the subject and he was none the wiser. I just hate to patronize him, but I am just not sure what the best way is to handle it all. One day at a time...;)

Much love!

Back to the grind...

Well, back at work...I'm kind of a hot mess...Fine one minute, sobbing the next. I guess people should be used to it by now.

I took my little guy to my vet this morning to be cremated. He will be cremated with all the other animals that have passed and his ashes will be scattered at sea. He loved the beach and going swimming in the water there, and he will be with other dogs he can play with. It is as it should be.

I took Mom to the vascular surgeon today. The doctor that handled Mom's case while she was in the hospital prescribed her Plavix, which is a blood thinner. When the vascular surgeon (Dr. Terramani) found this out, he was mad. She has to be off the medication 10-14 days before they can operate. So, she will probably have the surgery later this month. He discussed the use of a stent instead of surgery, but she really is a better candidate for the endartectomy, which includes a small incision in the neck, cleaning out of the artery, and closing everything back up. It is a fairly simple procedure, but it is still major surgery. He said there is very little pain, and she will just have to spend one night in the hospital. She is very anxious to get it taken care of. And so am I, because it does increase her risk of stroke.

The other good news is that I got a call from the Shiley Eye Center, and Mom's referral and authorization came through for the neuro-opthamologist. And the other blessing is that they had a cancellation and her appointment to see Dr. Levi is this Thursday. I have to get all the tests from Grossmont so Dr. Levi will have something to look at. I am very pleased that she is getting in so quickly. I am not sure it is going to make any difference because we have had so many skilled doctors look into this, but Dr. Levi is my one last hope that she finds some cause.

I am going to see Dad tonight. I didn't end up going yesterday because I just wasn't up to it. I needed to take a day for me, so I did. But tonight, I will go see Dad. I am pretty sure he is done with his chemo treatment for the month, and as far as I know, other than the taste issue, he really hasn't had any side effects. Some blessings are small but mighty.

I will write more when I get home tonight about how Dad is, but for now, I need to get some work done...;)

Much love.

Rest in Peace my little beloved brown and white boy...

My glorious little dog Tucker passed away in my arms this morning. He had a very bad night, and I was getting ready to take him to be put down. I had made an appointment for Wednesday, not knowing he would go downhill so fast. But waiting for Mom to come get me, he died in my arms, which is how it should have been.

So, after 3,876 days on this earth, my little guy is somewhere, playing and running through the grass in and endless field with all of his favorite toys and not having to share them with anyone.

I got Tucker when he was 10 weeks old. I was married and had always wanted a Jack Russell Terrier. When we saw this little, tiny brown and white puppy, we had to take a look. We were babysitting my friend's little girl (who is now 15), and when we got in the little room, he ran right to Haely and sat in her lap. I was sold.

I named him Tucker, and I really can't tell you why. We treated him like a child, and because of that, he acted like a person. He had feelings and opinions, and a vocabulary of about 50 words. He drove me crazy because he would bark, but he really thought he was talking, and couldn't figure out why we couldn't understand him. He really thought he was a person, and when we got Newman, he was always a little skeptical of this "dog" we brought home. I always said that Newman was my dog and Tucker was my 2-year old child.

He was sold to us as an unregistered Jack Russell. Then he grew into this greyhound shaped, long-legged, deer-like dog. I used to get into arguements with people at the dog park, because they would ask me what he was, and when I said "Jack Russel" they would say, "no he isn't." But he was all Jack Russell. Inquisitive, aware, and incredibly intelligent. I learned so much about myself from him...From the little things, like I always say "alright" before I say goodbye to someone on the phone, to the last thing I do in the morning is put on my shoes...He knew these patterns and would get up when either of these things happened because he knew something was about to happen....To the big things, like the divorce and enduring his tremendous illness November, '06-April of '07...I know that if I had not experienced that difficult time, all of the things going on right now would have simply crushed me. But, that experience helped me to be patient, ask lots of questions, look for solutions, and most importantly, that it is ok to cry.

I will miss the way he used to go crazy for my hair clips and for the duck toy that goes "quack-quack-quack-quack." I will miss the way he would sit on the stairs with his butt one step up from his front paws...He looked like a gargoyle. I will miss the way he would snuggle his head on my chest if you blew on his face while holding him. I will miss how he would come and paw at the covers when he was cold and wanted to get under them. I will miss how he would pull all the stuffing out of his toys, and would still love to carry around the empty shell. I will miss how he loved to play fetch, and would go around and greet all the humans at the dog park before playing with the dogs.

I will always be thankful to you Tucker. You have been so special to me, and you have helped to get me through some pretty hard times. And provided some pretty hard times for us to get through together. I am so sorry you had to suffer at the end. As much as I knew it was coming, it just came so fast. I am so grateful to have been a part of your wonderful little life.

Bless you sweet puppy. I will miss you...A little piece of my heart accompanies you to your next destination.

Emotional rollercoaster...

When one thing gets better, something else gets worse...My sweet little dog is declining fast. He is really having a tough time. My poor little brown and white baby.

The good news, is that the appointment with Dr. Uhl on Friday. Dr. Uhl thought he looked great and seemed alert and well. Dr. Uhl is frustrated, just as we are, that he is not getting more PT. I have a message into my friend "Debbie" with Sharp Health Care to see what else we can do. We don't go back to see him until January, and they will do an MRI in early December to see how successful all of this treatment has been.

Did you see that Senator Kennedy went back into the hospital? He had a small seizure, and they are saying that it was due to a change in his medication. Dad is still on the Decadron, which is a steroid that controls swelling (for his brain), and he still takes his Keppra, which is an anti-seizure medication. So far, so good, but Dr. Uhl said that Dr. Zu may change the dosage. I guess we will find out when we go see Dr. Zu at the end of the October.

So, I went to see Dad today, and I took him a Costco hot dog and a diet Coke. This was a favorite meal of his that he would get on his weekly trip to Costco before he got sick. He had told me that he likes ketchup, mustard and onions, so I put on ketchup, mustard and onions...And he took one bite, screwed up his face and said "ew, there is a taste in there that I don't like...It is the same taste as all the food here." And he said, "here is a piece," and stuck out his tongue and it had an onion on it. So I scraped the onions off and gave him another bite. He said it was better, but he didn't care for it. And then, I gave him a sip of his diet Coke, and he looked at me, and said "you know, I sure like the other better..." I said "you mean the milkshake?" And he said "well yah." So, I have a feeling that his taste buds are being effected by the chemo again. He loves his cinnamon rolls and milkshakes and candy though...:)

Funny story about the hot dog...As I was trying to get him to eat it, he asked my what my plans were tonight. I was supposed to go to the Aztec Football game, but it ended up that my little dog was doing so poorly that I didn't want to leave him, so I stayed home. But when I told Dad that I was going with Jay and Jim, he said "I have a great idea, wrap up the rest of that hot dog and take it with you to eat." I said "you should eat it, we will find food." And he said "no, you wrap that up and take it with you and tell the guys it is from me...Just for fun..." I am not sure if he just didn't realize exactly what he was saying, or if he was being creative in trying not to have to eat any more of the hot dog without hurting my feelings.

He seemed pretty good to me today, but Mom said he was a little fussy with her tonight. I am going to try to make it down tomorrow, but it depends on how Tucker is doing.

Mom and I go see the vascular surgeon on Monday. Will let you know how that goes.

Much love.

The weekend is ALMOST here...:)

Coming to the end of a long week. I went down to see Dad tonight. He started the double dose of chemo last night, and when I asked him how he was feeling today, he looked at me quizzically and said "well...Pretty good...Why?" so I told him he started the chemo last night and he was really surprised. So, we agreed, no news is good news...:) Now he has 4 more days of the double dose, and then he will be off of them for 28 days.

He was pretty good tonight. My Mom was a little tired today, and the brightness is really bothering her eyes...Or eye. She says that even her dark sunglasses don't help. I am still struggling to get the referral to the neuro-opthamologist. I thought I had it all worked out, and UCSD called me today to tell me that the referral came over incomplete, and it would be another day or two until they can set the appointment. I swear...Can't something be easy?

Speaking of something being easy, I got a call from the Home Owner's Association today, and they are sending out their plumber to put a camera down into my main sewer line to check out the tree damage...But of course I have to wait for them to call to set up an appointment. Sheesh.

We go see Dr. Uhl again tomorrow. It is Dad's follow up on radiation. Not sure what it will all entail, but I know I want to be sure and discuss Dad's taste buds (not sure if he really doesn't want to eat, or if he just knows we will give him milkshakes and apple fritters anyway...). I also want to know when the MRI will be scheduled to see how successful these treatments have been. I am also a little surprised that Dad is so confused. I was hoping that when the swelling went down in his brain, he would be a little less confused with everything. When I got there tonight, he asked me how he was going to work tonight out. I asked what he meant, and he said "you know, I went there last night." I said "where?" He said "you know...up the hill." So I asked if he meant Barona, and he said yes, and when I asked him if he won anything, he said "no." Then he said, "if I did go up there, I went up there to eat, but now I am not sure if I went.." So, I said, "well, as far as I know, you were here last night." And with that, he said, "oh you are probably right." And that was it.

Maybe the doctor will have answers, maybe he won't...Guess we will just wait and see.

Love to all!

A tree grows on Baltimore...

So, I finally had a plumber come out today, after my 8 minute shower upstairs caused ANOTHER flood downstairs...He came out, tried plunging, tried snaking, pulled the toilet...And finally rolled in this crazy electric snake...All to discover that, somewhere between my toilet and the main sewer line on the other side of my garage, a tree root has infiltrated my main sewer line. So, the good news is this potentially very expensive repair job to whatever pipe needs it is no longer my responsibility...The bad news, is that it is still my house and there will need to be times when I will need to be home when the plumber comes, and potentially if they dig up the pipe...I mean...Really?

So, I took Mom down to see Dad this afternoon. We were so happy to hear that our friends the Brehm's came by to visit Dad. They have always been so special to my Dad and Mom, and since they retired, they travel all over the country. I am so happy that they are in town and I can't tell you how happy Dad was that they stopped by.

Dad was doing pretty good today. We got him into a wheelchair and took him out for a cigar. He keeps asking things like..."So, I am just not sure if I should try to go to Barona tonight or not." And when we tell him that he shouldn't, he asks "Why? I need to understand...Is it because it is too far, or you think I shouldn't drive, or you think I will stay too late?" I am not quite sure how to answer these questions, so I tell him that I don't think he is strong enough right now, since he has a hard time sitting in a wheelchair for longer than about 30 minutes. This works sometimes, and tonight was one of those times. He said "yah, maybe you are right, I should just go in from here and go to bed."

Mom is holding her own, and driving a little. She is now having problems with brightness and glare. I would be able to understand if this was with her left eye, because the pupil isn't functioning correctly, but the lid is still droopy (closed), so that shouldn't be a problem. I finally got the opthamologist's office to send the referral to the neuro-opthmologist, who I was informed, is now booking into December. I am going to beg and whine and start crying if I have to for an earlier appointment...Or at least on call for a cancellation.

I am going to dinner with friends tomorrow as my friend is in town from San Francisco. So, I won't be seeing Dad tomorrow. And I signed up for this yoga class a few weeks back on Thursday nights from 6:00-7:00 p.m., but due to Mom's illness, have not been able to attend the first two weeks. I am going to make an attempt this week if it works out. But that would mean a short visit with Dad...So, we'll see.

Anyway, I am glad we got to the root of my plumbing issue (Root? Get it?). Wish me luck on that one.

Much love.

It is the little things that get me...

Sheesh, sometimes I just get so flustered...Still having plumbing issues...I guess I have to suck it up and call a plumber. I got home tonight, and I didn't come home to a flood, but Newman apparently decided that walking around on the dining room table and knocked over and broke a bottle of wine...So, I first cried that I had to come home and and clean something else up, but darn it! It was my favorite wine! My Ravenswood Vintner's Blend...in a puddle full of broken glass on my dining room floor. So sad. I wonder if Newman lapped any up...

I have just been a little overwhelmed over the weekend. My little dog is going downhill fast, and that is tough for me to deal with, and then I have my Mom, and her desperation for independence and getting out of the house.

I took Dorth driving this weekend, and actually she did pretty good. I just told her that she needs to focus and look 3 times before turning or changing lanes...And she can't drive after dark. That will start to cause problems as we get closer to daylight savings time ending...We will cross that bridge when we get to it I guess. I took Mom out to Costco tonight to buy her a new microwave...Hers went kaput...

Dad has been doing ok. He has been a little cranky...I am not sure of the cause, but if you go to visit him and he is less than friendly, cut him some slack. It is just hard to get him to kid and joke, and when I think doing something like getting him in a wheelchair might inspire him, he only likes to be in the chair for like 15 minutes and he wants to go back to bed. We had a long conversation with one of his nurses, and she thinks he is realizing that he will probably not go home, and he is depressed and trying to deal with it. I am not sure how to deal with this...I guess I just have to be there and do what I can.

So, I am working on a king size headache...So I am hitting the hay...:)

Good night and love to all!

Playing ball...

I am playing ball with my little dog Newman (aka Macrame') to try and tire the monster out. Unfortunately, with staying late with my Dad, and then taking Mom out to dinner or to run errands afterward, I tend to get home pretty late. Which translates to the dogs being alone to sleep all day...So, they are pretty much raring to go all night...Well, more Newman than Tucker. His difficulty breathing and coughing pretty much tire him out. I try the long walks, but the only true answer, for Newman at least, is playing fetch. I sit in my office, which is directly down the hall from my room. So, I throw the ball down the hall and he bounds down to get it...Now he is panting and laying down...I may have made a dent.:)

I picked up Mom today and took her down to see Dad. He was pretty good today. He is so passionate and animated when he feels strongly about something...Problem is, he often doesn't know what he feels strongly about...At least he forgets halfway through the sentence. At one point this evening, in a heated, exclamatory story, he stops, looks up at the ceiling and says "I lost my train of thought...Where did it go?" And he looked me square in the eyes and said "That mother hitched up and left without me!" The three of us just laughed hysterically.

Mom said she was going to try and drive tomorrow. I have asked her to wait until at least Saturday when we can do a test run with me in the car. I would hate for her to get a few miles from the house only to realize she really can't drive. I am still not sure she is ready to drive, but I can say it until I am blue in the face, and it doesn't matter. She hates being housebound, and although I have told her we have lots of people offering to help, she likes to be independent and wants to go, where she wants to go, when she wants to go. I can relate, but I just don't want to run the risk of her accidentally pulling out in front of someone because she didn't see them. I think I guilted her into waiting until Saturday to give it a shot under my supervision. I guess I will just have to wait (and hope) and see. She wants to get down to see my Dad a little earlier tomorrow so she can take him outside, so hopefully she can get a ride around 3:30, and I can pick her up and take her home after my visit.

I am excited about the weekend. I am looking forward to getting some things done around the house. My garbage disposal went out, and my downstairs toilet mysteriously overflowed...I came downstairs to a small flood the other morning...Does anyone know if flushing one toilet can make another one overflow somehow? That is the only explanation I can think of. Anyway, a day to address the crazy failing appliances, and maybe take some donation stuff to Goodwill will help me to feel accomplished and help to get my house closer to orderly again.

I hope everyone has great plans for themselves this weekend. I am off to play one more round of fetch before going to bed myself.

Much love and happy Friday!

Quick post tonight...

I am just so irritated that there is not like 32 hours in a day...And I would spend all of the extra ones sleeping!!! I will catch up someday.:) Good thing for caffeine, or I would often find myself napping in my office...:)

Things went well tonight. Patty from my Mom's dentist office was kind enough to come by and pick up Mom on her way home from work. That got Mom down to see Dad around 6:00, and I got there about 6:30. Mom was feeding him dinner, and I think he was really happy to see Patty. I will tell you, I know Mom used to go to the dentist often due to some of her medical problems, but that whole office is like family. My Mom has always had a close relationship with Dr. Williams, and my Dad with Dr. Gray...But, through all of this, the staff of both of these offices has just been so caring and thoughtful and concerned. I still am truly amazed at the level of caring and commitment of the people in our lives. Talk about being lucky...

Dad was doing well tonight, but he was a little cranky. Not too bad, but he keep getting frustrated with Mom a little. She tends to do this jumping to conclusions thing, because she just cares about him so much. Well, when she is not actually listening to him, and jumps to her own conclusion, he gets frustrated. It was later in the evening, and he was telling me a story, and I could tell he was thinking about tomorrow. So, he looks at my Mom and says "where are my smokes?" And my Mom just about jumps from her folding chair, and says "do you want to go outside now??? I will go get someone!" I look right at her and say "no, he is staying in bed, he can go out tomorrow..." And he said, "yah, I want to go tomorrow, and I just want to be sure there are smokes in the drawer."

She just wants so badly to make up for the things that have happened to put him in this situation. One of the sad but good things, is he really has little concept of time. I kind of equate it to my dogs...They get just as excited when I return from taking the trash out as they do when I get home after a 15 hour day...Dad is kind of the same. I think he may realize that I might be gone for a day or two, but I don't think he really analyzes it too much. He is just happy to see me when I do comeback.

He said his friend Jack came by today for a visit. It is the familiar faces and new conversation that keep him stimulated.

Ok, I gotta hit the hay...Lots of meetings and conference calls tomorrow...In addition to checking on the referral and getting an appointment with the neuro-opthamologist for Mom...So many opportunities to succeed...I can hardly stand it!:)

Craig, if you are by chance reading this...I miss your presence and hope all is going well with you. I am sending good thoughts and positive energy your way. Take care of you.

As my little buddy Graham says...Amor y paz...Love and peace.

New glasses...

Ok, so my Mom just cracks me up sometime...Infuriates me...Then cracks me up. My Aunt and Uncle were wonderful to pick Mom up today and take her down to see Dad. They dropped her off and I came for my visit and took her home...But not before we picked up her glasses. The frames are very thin and lightweight, and kind of a bronze color and pretty fashionable...I think she looks great in them. She put them on and was reading things acrossed (that's for you E) the room. As soon as we walk out of the store, I told her to look down the mall, and she immediately pulls her glasses off, and complains that everything is so blurry...I told her to put her glasses on...So, she does, and I ask if she can see, and she says "yes," pulls her glasses off and claims everything is blurry. Now, I am not quite sure what she thinks glasses do, but they only help if you are looking through them. This proves to be a difficult concept to her.

Since the doctor said that she can read without any correction, I opted to not get her bifocals because the bottom would be completely clear...I may have made a mistake with this decision. Apparently, it is quite difficult to lift up the glasses, or look over them if you want to look at something up close...Maybe she just needs to get used to everything...LOL...It is all exasperating (because I think it is simple and common sense), and just hysterical (because, I guess it isn't), and as long as Mom and I can continue to laugh about it...All is good. A little laughter does anyone good.

Dad was good tonight...I got down to Magnolia around 6:00, and Dad was eating dinner. If I haven't mentioned it before, the food at Magnolia leaves a lot to be desired. Tonight was a sandwich of some sort (tuna salad maybe?), on white bread, cantaloupe, potato soup, and something unidentifiable...It actually looked like cat food (no offense to my cat lover friends). I smelled it, and it smelled familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. After polling 3 of the CNA's, I think we narrowed it down to (possibly) 3 bean salad that had been ground up...Um...Ew. Now, 3 bean salad is not my favorite thing, but I will eat it. I like the taste and texture of the different beans...All ground up together must be ghastly.

Dad ate the sandwich and cantaloupe, had no interest in the soup and avoided the cat food...He did have a big hunk of apple fritter that my Mom brought.

He was very confused tonight. He kept asking "how am I going to do this?" And I would ask him what he was talking about, and he kept saying "I need to get my shoe on and then how am I going to get home to go to bed?" I kept trying to convince him that he was already in bed, and all he had to do was go to sleep when he was ready. He would say "wait, back up, you need to go slower, I don't understand." So, I explained the whole deal to him, and he said "I can't sleep here! I am in a hallway!" By the time we left, he had determined that he better stay there and sleep in that bed...I am not quite sure what is causing the confusion, or what he heard or thought that set him off. He has been talking about driving and getting in the car to go to Barona Casino lately, but, this seems a little more random.

He is really hanging in there, and for the most part doing well. He is interested in the election, and often says he wants it to be over (don't we all?), and is watching all this drama with the stock market. Dad used to be an avid watcher of the market, and I think he remembers that, and knows that when it goes down, we lose money, but I don't think he understands any more detail than that. Sometimes it is so hard for me to take when my Dad can't process the things that used to make him happy and intrigue him. I guess it just all goes with this terrible disease. But, I also think of how much he does have, his ability to communicate, to rationalize, to want to try...and Simply, to be alive. Nothing about this is easy for him, or any of us for that matter. But we try and take everyday with hope and gratitude.

Love to all.