Raw...

I think one of the biggest ways grief has hit me, (at least it is most noticeable to me), is that I am very sensitive. Yes, sensitive in the way I should be, but also heightened in my senses...The days seem brighter, the colors of our world more vivid somehow. I am much more observant of the little things, moments, feelings, smells...It is like living in the moment, but so much deeper somehow.

A couple of examples...I was in Home Depot several weeks ago, and someone dropped a whole load of PVC pipes...The sound made me jump about 2 feet in the air and flinch like I had been slapped. Yes, I get startled like anyone else, but the reaction was so extreme, it shocked even me. And a few weeks ago, some of my co-workers thought I had finally fallen off the deep end when I kept talking about how clear the day was, and how the sky seemed so much bluer and the trees so much greener than normal...They said they still looked the same to them.

Really, like most things, it is a blessing and a curse. I think I want to make so much of my life to honor my parents, I may be trying too hard. But on the same token, I feel so lucky, so appreciative...Blissful over these little moments.

One of the things that has happened most recently is my observation of music and lyrics, and how there are a handful of songs that have come out in the past year where I feel they are singing from my soul. Most of them make me cry in the car almost every time I hear them, some make me smile...Here are a couple examples...

Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Basically a song about a king who has been dethroned and is lamenting about his mistakes...Now, I have never been king, and I am pretty settled on my past and how I live my life, but some of the lyrics, particularly at the beginning of the song interpret how I have been feeling over the course of the year...I feel like before this all began, I was on top of the world, and everything was good and right...Of course at the time, I didn't think that, but hindsight is 20-20...Here are the lyrics that speak my feelings...

I used to rule the world
seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
sweep the streets I used to own

And

One minute I held the key
next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
on pillars of salt and pillars of sand

You Found Me by The Fray

Another song that cuts me to the core...I feel like it is sort of a modern interpretation of the poem "Footprints." Feeling that during the most trying times in life, God is not really giving us the answers we want. I feel like it about questioning faith and finding it again (or being found). I am sure it is about a love story, as he mentions "her" in the lyrics, but in the context, to me it is my Mom...Because she knew me best of all. I could put the lyrics from beginning to end, because they all fit, but the ones that hit closest to home are the following:

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait, where were you, where were you
Just a little late, you found me, you found me

But in the end, everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long she'll be next to me

Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas

I have heard that he wrote this song about his wife and her battle with lupus. This song speaks to me about the frustration and helplessness in dealing with someone else's pain and suffering. Watching both my parents go what they went through was excruciating, especially Mom. Now I feel that many of those around me experience much of the same. Emotional healing is a painful process for both the person going through it, as well as those who are there in support. It is hard sometimes to put into words what would make things better, when you are not sure yourself, you just know it is not good...Once again, this entire song speaks to me, but here are a few choice lyrics:

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
and she lays back down
Man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing
like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
she rubs her eyes
isn't it funny how night can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
but if she feels bad, then I do too
so I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
her tears like diamonds on the floor
and her diamonds bring me down
'cuz I can't help her now
she's down in it
she tried her best and now she can't win it's
hard to see them on the ground
her diamonds falling down

I am sure that my post is a little "Debbie Downer," but it really isn't. There are other songs that hit me and have me laughing...Maybe I will write about those next post.:)

Until then, much love!