Garage Sale exhaustion...

I cannot believe it is Wednesday, and I am still exhausted from the weekend! Granted, it was a very busy, very emotional weekend, but still...

The garage sale was a success! Planning was crazy, but having a weekday off gave me a chance to go and visit my friend Maddie, which I don't get the pleasure of seeing as much anymore. Maddie and Dennis are great friends of my folks, and would be by to visit almost every weekend when they were at Magnolia. I am so grateful for the wonderful people in our lives...Those small visits made such an impact on the lives that my parents had been forced into leading. Little rays of sunshine in an otherwise dim world...

The garage sale was really very good though! It was constantly busy, and I got rid of about 70% of the stuff I put out to sell! I am so lucky to have had the most wonderful help! I had about 10 friends there almost the whole time! It was a good thing, because I spent most of the morning in the house having an emotional break down. So, overwhelming...Admitting that this all actually happened, and indeed, they are gone. I know that sounds silly, because I have been living it, but somehow, putting all their stuff out on the lawn for people to bargain with you over your memories was really overwhelming. But I survived, made some space for myself, and a nice little chunk of change to go towards bills and such...And maybe a massage or something.

And Sunday, I attended a memorial service for my good friend's stepmother. She battled a debilitating disease for many years, and Kristin's Dad was always so devoted to her and her care. I am worried about him...I can't imagine spending all my waking hours caring for someone, and then have them be gone...I am still having a hard time, but at least I always had work as a distraction and a time-occupier...All of his kids live out of town, and he only lives down the block from me, so hopefully he will call me to go to dinner, or walk around the lake or something from time to time.

I did get to spend time with their family. They always make me feel like one of the gang. I always call them my "big-family" family. Their family is not huge, but with the 3 kids who are all married with 2 kids each, it is always loud and noisy and fun! All the little kids love each other so much and you can see how happy they are to spend time with their cousins. I just love being in the middle of all of it. So, despite the sad occasion, I was happy to get a chance to see my friends.

So, as promised a few weeks back...Some songs that make me smile...

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

This song is about how all your experiences in life are not about the destination, they are about the journey. And hard times are always there, but they are a challenge and are a part of life...An attitude very much like my Dad's...It keeps me strong and inspired...A few lyrics...

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Anything by Lady GaGa

Now, I tried so hard to dislike Lady GaGa...I don't know, she is pretty ridiculous and I just thought she was silly...But then, a song would come on the radio and how can you not just laugh at some of her lyrics??? Here are a handful of the funny lines...

Pokerface
I'm not lying
I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning

Just Dance
What's going on on the floor?
I love this record baby but I can?t see straight anymore
Keep it cool, what's the name of this club?
I can't remember but it's alright, a-alright

Waking up in Vegas by Katy Perry

Now, I wasn't a big fan of the "I Kissed a Girl" song, but this song is too cute! It is one of the MANY possible outcomes of a crazy trip to Vegas! It reminds me of my folks and their trips all over SoCal and Nevada doing the casino tour...:)

You gotta help me out
It's all a blur last night
We need a taxi 'cause you're hung-over and I'm broke
I lost my fake ID but you lost the motel key
Spare me your freakin' dirty looks
Now don't blame me
You want to cash out and get the hell out of town

[Chorus:]Don't be a baby
Remember what you told me
Shut up and put your money where your mouth is
That's what you get for waking up in Vegas
Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes, now
That's what you get for waking up in Vegas

Anyway, there is a handful, and hopefully a higher note!

Much love!

Looking for that forward momentum...

Newman is helping to get ready for the garage sale!!

Wow...This going through my parents belongings thing kinda, well, sucks eggs...I have been slowly making rounds around the house, figuring out what to keep, what to sell, what to donate...Simply overwhelming.

It is hard trying to separate emotions from the "stuff..." There are things I will keep because of the sentimental value...I came across my Mom's wedding veil, something I have never seen in person...It is not something that may ever come back out of the closet, but it is going to stay there anyway. There are other things that are much harder...Oh look, it is a beautiful golden bird statuette, that my Mom loved to display on her mantel...It is just not anywhere near my style, but it is hard to just put something my Mom loved out for sale, but it just has to be done.

So, I am as ready as I am going to be. Saturday will be the first of a few garage sales that will help to bring in some money, and help dig me out of the 2 houses full of stuff.

I, once again, realize I am so lucky to have wonderful supportive people in my life. A handful of my friends came over and helped me go through the house and grab anything I may have missed, organize it all and price it...And, they have agreed to come help me on Saturday at the garage sale. I couldn't do this without them...Their undying support is like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders on a cold night.

Much love.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...(Turn and face the strain)

David Bowie certainly knew what he was singing about...Change is inevitable, there is no doubt about that.

I used to have a theory about my life and my happiness...I had 5 branches of my life...me, my house/possessions, family and friends, work and my dogs.  As long as at least 2 or 3 of these areas were stable, I was in a good place.  Well, all that pretty much went out the window in the last half of 2008.  Both my parents were going through significant illnesses, my darling little dog I had for more than 10 years passed away, the plumbing under my kitchen had roots growing in it, causing sewage to flood my downstairs, and my company was sold to a Belgian beer company...Then it pretty much went downhill from there.

Things are still difficult everyday.  Still trying to sort through all the legal and financial stuff, dealing with 2 houses, missing my folks every day, still being shocked to realize (several times each day) that they are gone forever, and today, it was announced that my company was sold by that Belgian brewer to Blackstone, a private equity firm.

Blackstone, a British company, either operates or is part owner of other entertainment entities, including the London Eye (a large Ferris wheel in London), Madame Tussuad's Wax Museums, Universal Studios Orlando, and closer to home, the Legoland theme park in Carlsbad, CA.

Many of their other entities are housed under a subsidiary called Merlin Entertainment.  From what we are being told, they will be keeping Busch Entertainment Corporation as a separate entity.  I think information will be forthcoming, but here is the latest:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33210164/ns/business-world_business

Not sure what all this means, but I can only hope for the best.  Needless to say, my life has been out of balance for so long, I am not sure what balance feels like...But, I still keep doing my best to make it through each day.

Change is not bad...It is just, change.  The only thing that is constant...But that doesn't mean it isn't overwhelming at times.

Much love.

Well hello October!

Wow...It just keeps going...Time rolls on, in and over, without even considering how it effects everyone and everything...It pushes me further from my parents, and closer to whatever lies ahead in my life, just as it does to everyone else.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Cancer of any kind is a formidable foe. It is a tremendous enemy, and can effect almost anyone, anytime, in almost anyway. Breast cancer is a cause that has truly been blessed with a wonderful marketing juggernaut in the Susan G. Komen foundation, and the classic pink ribbon campaign.

Although breast cancer primarily strikes women, men can fall prey to this disease as well. It is very common...More than 1 in 4 cancers diagnosed in women in the U.S. is breast cancer. Breast cancer incidence in women in the U.S. is 1 in 8, and the primary risk factors are gender (being a woman) and age (growing older). There are many types of breast cancer, and depending on when they are caught, they are treatable, and often survivable. It is hereditary, and the risk doubles if a woman has a first-degree relative (mother, sister, daughter) who has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

It is quite amazing...The amount of money raised specifically for breast cancer research and support. There are many people out there who feel that the Susan G. Komen is perhaps "hogging" the spotlight when it comes to their efforts. They do spend a lot of money on advertising and public relations, but they also have set an amazing example as to how to go about fighting an enemy like this. The foundation has invested more than $1 billion since it's inception in 1982.

I know two women first hand battling this disease at this very moment. One of them has had her mastectomy, and is starting chemo, and the other is in the middle of her chemo and if all goes well, will have a mastectomy early next year. Please keep Elaine and Kathryn in your thoughts and prayers, and send them strength and positive thoughts.

Sadly, the key to fighting this particular disease is not really prevention...It is early detection. There have been many advances in the breast cancer story over the years. For example, routine mammography has been strongly encouraged and covered by insurance since the mid-1980's. There have also been significant advances in treatment, like the drug Herceptin, which was developed at the Jonsson Cancer Center at UCLA with support by the biotech firm Genentech, and received FDA approval in 1998. There is a Lifetime Original Movie based on this story starring (my boyfriend;) Harry Connick, Jr. It is called "Living Proof" and is a wonderful story about what Dr. Dennis Slamon went through getting this drug through funding, testing and clinical trials. Lifetime is showing this movie again next week in case anyone is interested...Friday, October 8, 8:00 p.m. on Lifetime. They are also showing another Original Lifetime Movie called "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy" immediately following "Living Proof" at 10:00 p.m. on October 8th.

The way I look at it, any advance in cancer research, treatment, and hopefully cures, will benefit us all in one way or another. They are starting Herceptin trials on certain types of stomach cancers now.

If you have the time to volunteer, time to pray, or money to help, or purchase something pink that contributes a percentage of your purchase to a breast cancer charity, or even time to educate yourself more on this disease that is likely to directly effect a woman very close to you at some point in your life, it certainly couldn't hurt. Every bit of knowledge and every penny that goes to research is one step closer to putting an end to this disease, and eventually to cancer as a whole.

Do your part...No matter how small.

Much love.

My Grandpa would be so proud...

Well, I went sportfishing for my first time ever! I can remember growing up, my Grandpa always had a TON of rods and reels suspended from the garage rafters. Now, I know he did mainly fresh water fishing, but I assume they also went out on the ocean as well.

My Krietz-Carlson family invited me to go along with them on a full-day trip. We went about 100 miles south and fished off the coast of Mexico. I was petrified of getting seasick, as I am prone to motion sickness and car sickness from time to time. So, I did my research, and invested in some ginger capsules, and ate the right things and avoided the right things, and took some dramamine just to be extra careful. I did pretty good!

I caught 3 yellowfin tuna...Smaller ones, but I was really just excited with the whole boat experience itself. I had never been on a boat where you couldn't see land at all, in any direction. It was a little unnerving...I did not know which way we were headed at most times and although I was watching the wake of the boat go in little "S" patterns, it felt like the boat was going straight...Very weird! I loved the whole process of everything...Getting the bait on board, the little bunks (I slept on the top bunk...Initially fearful of rolling off and plunging 7 feet to the floor made sleeping a little restless), the mad scramble when daylight hit and they spotted some fish. It was hard not to get trampled by everyone trying to be the first ones to the bait tank. And all that before you had a line in the water!

Once you dropped your little bait fish into the clear blue-green depths and watching him/her swim out of site, waiting, watching your line for movement, waiting for your line to zoom out signaling you had something big on the other end...All the while, being cautious of all the other fisherpeople and their lines...Don't get them crossed, and go over or under them as you follow your line around the boat. Excited yells of "fish on" when you got something on your line, and "color" when you saw the first glimmer of it in the depths after reeling and reeling and pulling and pulling, and finally "gaff" when you need one of the deckhands to come and hook the fish to bring it aboard. It was really an amazing, exciting experience! I am looking forward to next season for an opportunity to go out again.

It was an experience my Dad would have loved. I sure hope Dad and my Grandpa were smiling down on me...Perhaps they encouraged the 3 fish in my direction...:)

Much love!

My 200th post...

Wow...How is it that I am writing my 200th blog post...It is so hard to believe that all that has happened can fit in to 200 blog posts.  But here we are.

We did the 8th Annual San Diego Brain Tumor Society Walk yesterday.  What an inspirational event.  So many people, so many memories...People in the field working on the research, caregivers, survivors, friends, loved ones...And most importantly, hope.

Jay, Lynda, Rachelle and I were there representing Team Scotch on the Rocks.  The walk is in such a nice place.  Right next to the San Diego River, at Hospitality Point on Mission Bay.  And weather wise, it was warm and humid, and the fog stayed in most of the day, which kept the sun from beating down on us.

This year, there were 570 walkers and we raised over $90,000 to go toward research.

So wonderful and inspirational.  So many thanks to the donations I received.  Thanks to Jay, Lynda, Margie, Rebekah and Jake, and Kristin.

And I thank everyone for the good thoughts and prayers you sent my way, and I am humbled by the hope that surrounded us yesterday...The hope for a cure to this horrible curse.

Much love.

Walking for the future...

This Saturday is the Annual San Diego Brain Tumor walk again. I have gotten some wonderful and generous donations thus far, but if you have not had the chance, and would like to donate, here is the link to my team page: http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/BTW-SD?team_id=29340&pg=team&fr_id=1420 And by all means, if you would like to walk on Team Scotch on the Rocks, you are very welcome to join us!

Special thanks to Margie, Rebekah and Jake, my sweet girl Kristin, and especially to Linda, who has signed up to walk with me on Saturday.

As with any cause, the answer is research...And research takes money. I have often been thankful that someone like Ted Kennedy had a brain tumor. I know that sounds awful, because of course, I would not wish it upon anyone in the world. But, the fact that someone as powerful, influential, famous, (or infamous) as Ted Kennedy suffered from the same affliction as my Father, at roughly the same time, has brought this disease into the spotlight. It allowed me to garner greater knowledge about this affliction because of the notoriety of Senator Kennedy. It has helped to further the research, and given a platform to discuss new and promising treatments for all types of cancer. Michael J. Fox has done the same for Parkinson's...And others have taken causes that touched them through someone else...Danny Thomas and St. Jude's Hospital, Jerry Lewis and Muscular Dystrophy, and countless other humanitarians.
Although my Dad succumbed to this horrible disease, as so many do, there is still hope out there for the future. New drugs, vaccines, clinical trials, research...It all leads to longer survival times, and hopefully, sooner than later, a cure. Brain Cancer and brain tumors are equal opportunity offenders...It can happen at any age, any race, any financial status...Any race, color, creed...The prince and the pauper, and everyone in between. They do not know the cause, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. It could happen to anyone of us, and most likely, will touch you or someone you love or know again in your lifetime. We need to stop brain tumors in their tracks.

Last year, when I did this walk, it was so inspiring. Listening to those who have survived, the stories of those who have not...But the hope that resonated with each and every person there, and the camaraderie and one-ness of that group of people was intoxicating. I remember my Dad being so excited and proud of "Team Scotch on the Rocks." He was so proud and excited that we were walking in his honor...That will be with me once again as I walk on Saturday. My Dad will be right there next to me, taking every step, every breath, crying every tear, and relishing every smile and moment.

Much love.

Raw...

I think one of the biggest ways grief has hit me, (at least it is most noticeable to me), is that I am very sensitive. Yes, sensitive in the way I should be, but also heightened in my senses...The days seem brighter, the colors of our world more vivid somehow. I am much more observant of the little things, moments, feelings, smells...It is like living in the moment, but so much deeper somehow.

A couple of examples...I was in Home Depot several weeks ago, and someone dropped a whole load of PVC pipes...The sound made me jump about 2 feet in the air and flinch like I had been slapped. Yes, I get startled like anyone else, but the reaction was so extreme, it shocked even me. And a few weeks ago, some of my co-workers thought I had finally fallen off the deep end when I kept talking about how clear the day was, and how the sky seemed so much bluer and the trees so much greener than normal...They said they still looked the same to them.

Really, like most things, it is a blessing and a curse. I think I want to make so much of my life to honor my parents, I may be trying too hard. But on the same token, I feel so lucky, so appreciative...Blissful over these little moments.

One of the things that has happened most recently is my observation of music and lyrics, and how there are a handful of songs that have come out in the past year where I feel they are singing from my soul. Most of them make me cry in the car almost every time I hear them, some make me smile...Here are a couple examples...

Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Basically a song about a king who has been dethroned and is lamenting about his mistakes...Now, I have never been king, and I am pretty settled on my past and how I live my life, but some of the lyrics, particularly at the beginning of the song interpret how I have been feeling over the course of the year...I feel like before this all began, I was on top of the world, and everything was good and right...Of course at the time, I didn't think that, but hindsight is 20-20...Here are the lyrics that speak my feelings...

I used to rule the world
seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
sweep the streets I used to own

And

One minute I held the key
next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
on pillars of salt and pillars of sand

You Found Me by The Fray

Another song that cuts me to the core...I feel like it is sort of a modern interpretation of the poem "Footprints." Feeling that during the most trying times in life, God is not really giving us the answers we want. I feel like it about questioning faith and finding it again (or being found). I am sure it is about a love story, as he mentions "her" in the lyrics, but in the context, to me it is my Mom...Because she knew me best of all. I could put the lyrics from beginning to end, because they all fit, but the ones that hit closest to home are the following:

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait, where were you, where were you
Just a little late, you found me, you found me

But in the end, everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long she'll be next to me

Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas

I have heard that he wrote this song about his wife and her battle with lupus. This song speaks to me about the frustration and helplessness in dealing with someone else's pain and suffering. Watching both my parents go what they went through was excruciating, especially Mom. Now I feel that many of those around me experience much of the same. Emotional healing is a painful process for both the person going through it, as well as those who are there in support. It is hard sometimes to put into words what would make things better, when you are not sure yourself, you just know it is not good...Once again, this entire song speaks to me, but here are a few choice lyrics:

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
and she lays back down
Man there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing
like I don't know now

By the light of the moon
she rubs her eyes
isn't it funny how night can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
but if she feels bad, then I do too
so I let her be

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
her tears like diamonds on the floor
and her diamonds bring me down
'cuz I can't help her now
she's down in it
she tried her best and now she can't win it's
hard to see them on the ground
her diamonds falling down

I am sure that my post is a little "Debbie Downer," but it really isn't. There are other songs that hit me and have me laughing...Maybe I will write about those next post.:)

Until then, much love!

What is time?

6 months...Just a blink in time...But yet an eternity.  Today is 6 months since the passing of my wonderful, strong, kind, brilliant Father.  Not a day goes by that I don't mourn his loss or weep that my life is somehow less without him.  Yes, I attend my self-pity party on a regular basis, and although this Earth is less without him as well, I was lucky enough to be his daughter.  He was my hero, my teacher, my mentor...He taught me patience, tolerance, how to love, learn and right my wrongs.  To stand up for myself, to value each and every day, to appreciate the gifts and challenges that everyday brings.  Because we only get one chance at this life.

One chance...This is it...One time, one body, one mind.  No one glides through perfectly...There are bumps and bruises and devastating tragedies.  But, on the flip side, there are joys...So many joys.  Amazing people, amazing moments, amazing things to see, hear, taste, touch, feel, sense, ponder, create, appreciate, improve, invent.  And I think we can learn from it all.

Many people were afflicted with Poliomyelitis...A death sentence in some cases, paralysis in 1% of the cases, and 90% of the cases, there were no symptoms at all.  A promising young athlete, following in his father's footsteps, plays football one evening, unable to walk the next day...This story could have ended badly.  So many people would give up, lose the will to fight, finally get so tired and frustrated and fall prey to self-pity and allow others to do things for them.  Not my Dad.

Edward "Scotchie" Reed not only never complained, or used it as any excuse, he also never took it for granted.  He used it to motivate him, to allow him to appreciate the things he learned, the things he accomplished, the mountains he climbed, the successes he achieved...Not only in spite of Polio, but, perhaps, because of it.

Yes, 6 months later, and I do my best to embody those qualities my Father so effortlessly exhibited, every single day of his life.  I try to be strong, not for him or Mom, but for myself.

Some people have told me that I am a lot like my Dad...A higher compliment I can barely fathom.  Time waits for no one.  Each day that passes is another day away from being able to hug my Dad, ask his opinion, see him smile, hear his laugh.  I still talk to him...Share sunsets, happy moments, funny moments, ask him to give me strength in weak moments...But, as with any loss of someone close, that ability to look that person in the eyes, tough their hand, feel their embrace, hear the sound of their voice the pain is real and constant.  The ache of want can be overwhelming at times.  But, in the spirit of my wonderful Dad, recognizing the pain, but not letting it take over...Allowing it to create the balance of life, is the key.  

As Joni Mitchell sang, "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone," it truly makes life richer and fuller when you make an effort to really look at what we are presented with in this world.  Amazing friends, beautiful vistas, tough love, silly dogs, and so many, many other personal things to each and every one of us...Make an effort to be present in your life in this world, because you just never know what it holds next.  

I love you Pop.  And much love to you all.

A day I had anticipated...

Rest in peace, Edward Kennedy.

Senator Kennedy was always a benchmark for me in my Dad's battle.  He was diagnosed about a month before my Dad, and he lasted about 5 months longer.  Sadly, Senator Kennedy made it to the average survival time frame of this horrible disease...About 15 months.

It goes to show you how deadly and aggressive and unrelenting this disease is.  It goes unnoticed by so many until it is usually too late.  Often, headaches that most people ignore and treat with Tylenol or Advil (which Dad never had), and most of the time, seizures caused because the brain has swollen or been damaged by the tumor.  Dad had a few "focal" seizures which appear that to be someone staring off.  Senator Kennedy was alerted by a seizure to his tumor.

Senator Kennedy received basically the same treatment as my Father...Surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy in the form of Temodar.  There is some indication that he also may have been prescribed Avastin, which in clinical trials has been shown to slightly extend the survival range.

I guess it also shows that little is still known about this disease.  They do not know what causes it, they do not know how to prevent it, they do not know how to slow it very much, let alone beat it.  It is an equal opportunity offender, it knows no race, creed, or age...Even Senator Kennedy, who spent his career looking out for the "little guy," and most recently, the health care bill, who had access to the best doctors, treatments, hospitals, etc...Could not beat this monster.

The only answer from here on out is research.  I have resurrected Team Scotch On The Rocks for the San Diego Brain Tumor Walk on Saturday, September 26, in Mission Bay Park.  It is a 5K fun walk that was very inspirational and fun last year.  I would love to have as many of you as possible join me on Team Scotch On The Rocks for the walk next month.  It is a very easy walk, and there is something so special about so many people coming together for a common cause that has touched them all.  If you would like to join the team, or would like to support us by donating, you can get to the Team Scotch On The Rocks donation page by clicking on the following link:  http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/BTW-SD?team_id=29340&pg=team&fr_id=1420

My thoughts go out to the Kennedy family, for like us all, they lost a friend, father, uncle, brother, husband, warrior...

Much love.

My new feature...

Where is this summer going? I cannot believe it is August. There is still so much to do, and time is just running away from me! I am struggling so much with all there is too do. I am trying to figure out a way to delegate, but the things I want to delegate are things I need to do myself. Ugh! It is a matter of time....And that is the problem with time...It stops for no one. This brings me back to the knowledge that I need to treasure each day, and appreciate all of the gifts that are all around us. The weather has been warm and humid (for SoCal), but the sunsets have been incredible. The color of the sky goes through the most amazing array of colors...Blues, indigos, purples, with reds and pinks and oranges...Incredible!!! I struggle a little with treasuring each day because I feel that I have so much to do...But I guess I can just do all that I can, and be at peace with that...Easier said than done.:)

So, in addition to my blogging about my life and experiences, I have decided that I need to incorporate one of my true loves in life...Each week, I will be sharing a "Shoe of the Week." Most of the time, it will be a beauty from my own personal collection, but if I see something wonderful, or timeless or amazing at a store, in an ad or perhaps on a friend's foot, I may include it as well. To start out, I want to introduce you to a pair of mine. Simple, classic, but sassy...And who can go wrong with black and white. They are Joey O's...Black patent leather peep-toe pumps with a white strap and buckle across the toe...4 inch stiletto heel, Size 6.5. Yum!

Much Love!

What a wonderful world...

One of the songs I had on the playlist for both my parent's memorial services was "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstong.  I remembered that both my parents liked that song and it truly represents the amazing world and people that surround us ever day.

I just feel that the events of the past year or so have obviously had a profound effect on me.  It has made me almost hyper-sensitive to most things and emotions.  I think the best way to explain it, is I am scattered, but able to focus on little things all at the same time.  Grief works in mysterious ways...

One of the things that has been abundantly apparent to me lately is the beauty of this wonderful city.  The weather has been a little different the past few days...A little more humid than most would like (for CA), but it has really had a profound effect on the skies...The most amazing cloud formations have hung over the city like buttercream frosting....And the contrast against the amazing blue sky has been stunning.  In addition to this, we are coming up on a full moon and the combination of all these things adds up to some of the most amazing, breathtaking views, and demonstrates the blessings that surround us all...

Much love! 

C'mon...It's bulk food, not brain surgery!!!

Well, today proved to be a challenge...Waking up with a crazy bad headache that I could not get rid of was the very worst part, for sure.

I was able to summon the strength to make a Costco run mid-afternoon...My first mistake.  I needed food for the week, there was just no two ways about it.  Sunday afternoon at Costco is an absolute zoo.  So, here I am, not exactly on my "A" game, and I am struggling to find my membership card walking in the door, and I hear this commotion behind me.  A man walks in, and directly behind him, a woman rushes in after him, followed by another man.  The door employees start saying "can you believe it???  All over a parking space???  There were tempers flaring!!!  Now, here I am, feeling poorly, and just shocked at the pettiness of some people...Well, that was was an isolated occurrence...Right?  Not so much...

I was trying to navigate the tricky frozen food section, which is made more difficult for the tremendous crowds due to the sample carts at the end.  I squeezed through behind the sample cart, and got stuck by this man that pushed his way in to a space where he could not go any further, but managed to block my path.  Not in any hurry, and too headachy to say anything, I just wait...About 4 seconds, and this man in front of me starts raising his voice at the man in front of him..."let's get this moving along..."   And a moment later, loudly, to his wife..."If this guy would just keep moving forward..."  Now the man in front of him takes a moment from allowing the older couple in front of him to squeeze past him slowly, and turns around and says "Just one moment sir, these people are coming through."  Mr. Cranky man belts out "well tell him to hurry it up!"  The patient man turns around and says "are you serious?" and Mr. Cranky belts out "yah, I'm serious...Move it along!!!"  The patient man turns around and says "geez, maybe you need to get back on your meds" and laughs a little...Mr. Cranky blows up and says "maybe you need to get the hell out of my way..."

Ok, really...I know it is warm outside, and in this economic downturn (yah right, not at Costco), and everyone is anxious to get home with their 72 rolls of toilet paper and 47 pound bag rice, but c'mon...Let's all have a little patience people!  Why can't we all get along...

Much love.

Just me now...

Well, I have been encouraged to keep up the blog, even though the primary reason for Scotch On The Rocks was to communicate updates about my parents.

So, I guess that pretty much leaves just me to blog about. Not that I am not blessed with enough wonderful, funny, happy, tragic events in my life to occupy this blog, but I am just not used to writing about myself.

So, I will commit to taking on the challenge...:) Names and identities may or may not be changed to protect the innocent...Rest assured, I do have many experiences with my family, friends, co-workers and other fairly random people that I should be able to share.:)

On a last note for today, I am so thankful for the wonderful people in my life. You guys know who you are...Near and far, related and not, there are so many of you who have held me up when I needed support, and have made every effort to help me out, even when I wasn't ready to accept it, and the kind words, love, hugs, emails and cards have been amazing. I know I can count on you to stand by me in the coming months and years, when the moments of sadness, panic, laughter and tears continue to haunt me, and cheer me along in life. Thank you so much for being there for me, and I am comforted in knowing that I will have the opportunity to try and demonstrate my loyalty to all of you throughout the years by helping you to celebrate and mourn and just enjoy what life sends our ways.





And very lastly...The photo of Dorth and the donkey...

Much love.

What a lovely day...

Today we held the memorial service for my Mom...It was simply beautiful!  The weather was perfect, the perfect amount of people showed up, the food was great, the stories and laughs and tears were all perfect...Dorothy would have been pleased.:)

I miss Mom, but know that she is in a better place, and she is with some pretty amazing people...My Dad, her parents who both died before she turned 25, her brothers, just to name a few.

Her service was themed in yellow, one of her favorite colors.  Lots of pictures from her whole life...She modeled a bit when she was young, so, there was a lot to choose from.  One of my favorites is her in a slinky (for the time) black bathing suit, standing next to...a...(wait for it)...burro, or donkey of some sort...

I am so full of joy, and sorrow, and humility and pride...I just know that despite all that there is left to do, things are as they should be.

Much love. 

Long time no post...

I know, I know...I haven't been very attentive to the blog. I guess I am not sure what to blog about now. Perhaps that will come in time, but for now, I am just not sure what to share on her without my parents.

What I can share is that I have decided on services for my Mother. Here is the information:

10:00 am.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Trinity Baptist Church
1150 Merritt Drive
El Cajon, CA 92020

I think it will be a lovely service, and I look forward to seeing you all.

Much love.

Dorothy Ann Gides Reed June 7, 1936 - June 26, 2009

My passionate, funny, determined, wonderful mother passed away peacefully yesterday at 1:00 p.m.

Like I said, I did not think she would make it, and although she was still with us when I arrived in the morning, it was obvious it was not for long.  They had not been able to get a blood pressure reading for the past several hours, and they had the oxygen up as high as it would go.  

I held her hand, rubbed her forehead and talked with her about the ball she would be going to and that she needed to go be with Dad now.  Her breathing progressively slowed over the next hour or so, and she passed peacefully, much like my Dad.  And now, they are together once again, as they should be.

This is much harder than losing my Dad...And easier too.  I think the things that make it easier are part of what makes it harder.  When Dad passed, I did not have time to dwell, because there were things to be done.  I had to take care of Mom, and make all the plans, and take care of all of the details.

This time, I don't have anyone to take care of but myself (not really my strong suit in life), and I now know most of the things that need to be done, because I learned just a few short months ago.  I have contacts at the credit card companies, Social Security, the cremation place, the cemetery...There is no abstract business to focus on.  

Also, my immediate family, as I have always known it, is no more.  Being an only child, my private family memories and rituals were amongst the three of us.  And now there is only me.  I know that I have the most amazing friends and family to surround me and support me, and I am so grateful for that.  But there is something so final and so lonely about losing that piece of me.  

Today is very surreal.  But, taking a moment for myself, to relax, be peaceful, reminisce, and think about all the good times and the gifts my parents have bestowed upon me will help me to move forward from this moment.

I will post information on the service as soon as I have the details.

Much love and God bless Dorothy...May she rest in peace.

No rest for the weary...

Well, it has been a very long week.  My Mom has taken a turn for the worse, and I am just not sure if she is going to pull through this time.  She has surprised me before on several occasions, but this time, I think, her little body may not make it.

I spent the day with her on Saturday, and she was tired that day, and she decided to stay in bed all day.  She was talkative, and social and we laughed together.  I even brought her a Jumbo Jack, french fries and onion rings, of which she ate most.  As I was leaving, I told her I loved her, and I would see her Monday, and she told me she loved me to and to drive careful as she always does...Those may be the last words my Mom ever says to me...Who could ask for better words.

On Sunday, I went out to the cemetary for the first time since Dad was buried.  I wanted to spend some time with him on Father's day, and it was harder than I had anticipated.  But ultimately, other than getting ripped off by the gift shop by having to PAY for the dumb plastic vase with the spike on the bottom for flowers, it was a lovely day, and I spent about an hour sitting between Dad and my Grandparents.  I then spent the rest of the day with my Aunt, Uncle and cousins bar-b-qing.  It was as good a Father's day as I could have imagined.

Monday was supposed to bring the long awaited trip to the doctor for Mom.  We were finally on the way to finding out what was causing all of her intestinal issues.  Her appointment was for 12:30, but the nursing home called me at 11:00 to tell me that they had cancelled Mom's appointment because she was too drowsy to go.  When I inquired as to why she was drowsy, the nurse on duty told me that they gave her a Ativan (a sedative) the night before and it had not worn off.  Needless to say, I was livid.

About 3 hours later, the nursing home called me to let me know that they had called 911 for my Mom and sent her out to the hospital.  When I asked why, they told me that she was unresponsive.  So, I asked to clarify "unresponsive..."  Is that different than the "drowsy" she was earlier???  The charge nurse replied, "yes," and that her blood pressure and heart rate were elevated, and she would not respond to pain stimulus.

I got to the ER, and indeed, Mom was unresponsive.  They had her on a BiPap, which is an oxygen mask that helps to push the oxygen into your lungs to help you breathe.  They had done a chest x-ray and some initial blood tests.  Her blood pressure was very high, and at one point had gotten up to 225 over 135, which is very unlike her.  When the blood tests came back, her white count was 33,ooo.  This is VERY high.  Normal white blood count is between 8,000-10,ooo, with 10,500 being considered elevated.  Elevated white blood cells signal infection.  Except in my Mom...There have been several occasions in my Mom's life when she has had elevated white blood cells, most recently, when she was hospitalized last September with the problem with her eye.  They never found an explanation for the damage to her C3 nerve which caused the eye issue, and never determined why she had such a high white blood cell count.

So, that was Monday.

They did a CT scan to check for stroke and chest x-ray to check for pneumonia.  Urinalysis to check for a UTI.  All negative.  The admitted her, and she started having repetitive movement of her right arm and leg.  She remains unresponsive to touch, pain, light...I felt like the repetitive movement she was experiencing were a type of seizure, and although the doctor and nurse didn't think so, they planned an EEG to look at her brain activity, along with an MRI of her head to check again for possible stroke, and a spinal tap to check for meningitis.  They were unable to do any of these tests because she was unable to remain still enough to conduct them.  The past few days, her vital signs have been very stable, and it is very hard for me to imagine she has and infection that is causing her white cell count to be so high, yet, she has no fever.  And when it does go up a little, the highest it has gotten is 100 degrees.

In typical Dorothy style, the doctors are baffled.  We decide to pretend that all of the tests they wanted to conduct came out positive, and the doctor ordered both viral and bacterial antibiotics, anti-seizure medication, Ativan to keep her calm (her brain and body), and we decided on a morphine drip to make sure she was not in pain.  We think the morphine caused her to itch, because it appeared the repetitive movements changed up a little, and she was trying to itch.  So, the doctor changed it to Dilaudid, and that seems to have worked better.

So, over the past 4 days, with Ampicillin, Vancomcyn, Flucomidazole and Rocerin, all heavy IV anti-biotics, her white cell count has gone from 33,ooo to 68,ooo.  40,000 is considered life critical.  Nothing is helping.

All of this, and there is also still no concrete explanation for the loss of consciousness.  They did a second CT scan this morning, now that she is still, but haven't gotten the results yet.  A large stroke could cause this lack of consciousness.  They also sent her to get the EEG, however the ONLY EEG tech went home sick...So, they are going to try again tomorrow.  I guess seizure activity can cause loss of consciousness as well...What caused the seizures will be another puzzle if that indeed is the issue.

She is still unresponsive, and no one call tell me what is wrong with her, if she will get better, if she will awake from this state...I have watched her the past 4 days, and while we have her more comfortable with the Dilaudid and Ativan, I feel she is definitely not getting better, and I feel she is declining.  If this is what any possible life holds for her, to be relegated to a bed, unaware, or unable to be aware of the world around her, then she needs to be with my Dad.

When I left last night, I was fairly sure she would not make it through the night.  As I left tonight, I feel the same about tonight.  At Midnight, I held her hand and sang "Happy Birthday to me" and thanked Mom for being with me as the clock turned onto my 37th birthday. 

I am not sure what lies in store for us.  When I spoke to Mom's sister yesterday, I think she put it best..."If you cannot pray for a miracle, then pray for mercy."  As my hopes for a miracle get less and less as time goes by with little change and no true answers, then I pay for peace and relief for my Mom...Freedom from the body that has bound her for the past few months...And the opportunity to once again be reunited with my Dad and everyone else that has gone before her.

I am sorry for the down nature of this post.  Let me leave you with my vision...I can't remember if I posted that I visualized Dad's entrance through the pearly gates into a huge Bar B Q, full of everyone he ever knew, and everyone he ever wanted to know.  With Mom, she will have a ball...A grand ball of which she will be the belle, or queen.  She will have a beautiful, long flowing dress, and her hair and make-up will be perfect, and she and my Father will waltz together for the very first time.  She will get a chance to Polka with her brothers Bill and Butch, and she will see her parents, whom she lost when she was very young.  I can only hope my grand vision is but a mere speck of the glories that await her.

Please keep Dorothy in your thoughts and prayers, and if she is able to pull out of this, that the possibility of her recovery is only if she is lucid enough to enjoy it.

Much love and gratitude to you all.  I will keep you posted on any updates and changes.

Made it through the weekend...

So, with many moments of reflection and nostalgia, smiles and tears and tremendous gratitude, Mom and I made it through this weekend.  With the support of each other and many wonderful friends, we not only made it through, we had a very nice weekend.

I bought some plants for my parent's backyard, and one of the plants I picked is a dahlia.  It is pretty yellow and called a "Dinner Plate" dahlia.  Some of the blooms are huge!  I cut one and took it to Mom today, because she loves yellow!  Now, with the shaved head, her head is pretty small, but this flower is bigger than her head!!!  She loved it!

We ended up having a really nice afternoon today, and we went to Applebee's for their 2 for $20 deal.  Mom was craving steak, so we stuck close and made a go of it.  She had onion rings as an appetizer, we shared a salad, she ate about 2/3 of her baked potato and about 1/2 of her 7 oz. sirloin.  She really has been eating well.  I tried to take a picture of her enjoying her dinner and she could not be bothered to look up and smile long enough for a photo...So, this is what I got...

She really enjoyed her dinner, and when we got back to Magnolia, she wanted some sherbert.  I am glad she is eating so much, because she is still having the intestinal issues.  It has been over 2 months that she has been having this problem, and they have tried everything to discover the cause.  They have pulled her off all dairy, and that has helped, a little.  But she is still having this issue, and with all of the medication she is on, she should be stopped up.  So, finally, they are going to send her out to a gastrointerologist to see if they figure out what is going on.

Oh, and I just realized that I have been shown a new version of hell (said tongue in cheek).  I have been filing the necessary paperwork for everything, and have been told that I have a medical power of attorney for Mom, but not a financial one...So, I thought I would just get the mobile notary to come to the nursing home and get it taken care of...No problem, right?  Wrong...Mom's driver's license expired on her birthday...And she does not have a California ID card.  So, I am going to have to take Mom to the DMV to get her a California ID card...Oh boy, will that be a challenge.  I have tried to get an appointment, and the closest one I can get is in mid-July, and I can't wait that long...So, I am going to have to try and get there as close to opening on a weekday, and hope we can get in and out as soon as humanly possible.  I may call in reinforcements that day, so if there is anyone around who doesn't mind an early weekday morning, spending time with Dorth, and riding in the back seat, I will buy you lunch!!!:)

I bought some plants for my parent's backyard, and one of the plants I picked is a dahlia.  It is pretty yellow and called a "Dinner Plate" dahlia.  Some of the blooms are huge!  I cut one and took it to Mom today, because she loves yellow!  Now, with the shaved head, her head is pretty small, but this flower is bigger than her head!!!  She loved it!

Anyway, I hope all goes well this week, and I will be anxious to see what they will want to do about her situation.  I will keep you all posted.

Much love!

Celebration, reminiscing and remembering...

Happy birthday Dorothy!!!  Today was Dorothy's 73rd birthday!  All in all, it was a good day for Mom.  We had originally planned to spend this afternoon at Barona, but we had a bit of a mishap yesterday, and we thought it best to stay close to home.

Yesterday, Mom and I tried to do a little shopping and grab a bite to eat.  We got to Macy's, only to have to get back in the car and go back to Magnolia so they could get a blood sample.  Once they got the blood, Mom wanted to go to Coco's.  We got there and she ended up taking a very hard fall in the restroom.  So hard, I was sure she broke her collar bone or dislocated her shoulder.  She was screaming at me and every time I tried to touch her, she screamed.  So, we called the paramedics and got her to the hospital.  After an x-ray and a CT scan, no broken bones, no brain injury...Just a skin tear on her elbow with a bruise, a small bump and bruise on her head, and very, very sore.  Thank goodness.

It is so hard, because Mom does not know what she can and can't do.  She is just not capable of determining what she is now able to do, and not to do.  She was very hungry yesterday when we left the hospital, so she was feeling good enough to stop for dinner, and she had a glass of wine with dinner.  She mentioned this to her nurse today, and added that she had been given 2 Vicodin at the hospital, and her nurse said that it was not a good idea to mix the wine and the pain killers.  Her response was "it's ok, Aimee was driving."  When we burst out laughing, she was very confused as to why we found that so humorous.  I had to explain that she couldn't drive anymore...Her eyes got wide and she said "oh, that's right..."

She got quite a few visitors the past few days, lots of wonderful cards, and some great gifts!  She got the super cute pink hat she has on in the picture from our friend Paula, and a really cute coral color jacket from my Aunt and Uncle, and I got her some chocolate, yellow roses (her favorite), and I picked some gardenias from her bush at her house, and found a cute little glass swan vase for them.  I spent most of the day down there with her, making her coffee, letting her smoke, and after her dinner (cabbage rolls!  Another favorite!), some chocolate cake that I brought.  She thanked me for making it a nice day for her.

It was actually a rough day for us both.  One year ago today, I knew something was wrong with Dad.  He had been having problems on and off for the two weeks prior, but Mom didn't want to worry me, so she didn't mention anything.  Until her birthday, when she called me in the afternoon to tell me she had some concerns because Dad had forgotten her birthday.  So, one year ago today, my Dad was sitting at his computer, checking his email, making my Mom a birthday card.  And we talked that evening at length about all the signs that were weird, and decided to call the doctor first thing Monday morning, which he did.  It forces me to reflect on all that has happened in such a short time.  Mom was thinking about it too...Her first birthday without Dad.  She wondered what he would have gotten for her, and where they would have gone to dinner.

This month will be tough for us both...First, we hit Mom's birthday, and the day I learned something was really wrong.  Then we have the trip to the ER and the diagnosis on June 11th, then the surgery on the 13th, then my first Father's day without him on the 21st, and my birthday on the 26th.

It does allow me to take inventory of the blessings that surround us all, especially with the current economic climate.  I am truly grateful to have a good job, great family, amazing friends and many, many tiny daily blessings, that make life not only worth living, but overwhelmingly beautiful.

So, although this weekend did not go exactly as planned, it wound up being pretty good.:)

Much love.

"Gentlemen...Start your engines!!!"

One of my fondest memories of my Dad was that when I was young, every Memorial Day weekend, while I got a break from school, and got a chance to sleep in, Dad would get up at the crack of dawn, open my bedroom door, and say "Gentlemen, Start your engines!!!"  After enduring my suddenly awakened groans, he would go out and watch the Indianapolis 500.  Dad liked racing, but he loved Indy.

One of his favorite stories to tell was when he took a road trip with a buddy from work to attend this race at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, also known as "The Brickyard" in Indianapolis, Indiana.  I unfortunately don't know what year they went, but he always remembered it as one of the highlights of his life.  Not only because of the race, but because he told me that they had gotten caught in a tornado in Kansas (maybe?), and it actually picked the car up, and set it back down.  For years, I sort of took this story with a grain of salt...I thought, it was probably an exaggeration.  Then, at Dad's retirement party in 2002, a man stood up to say a few words, and retold this same story, just the same way Dad always had.:)  Got a lesson on doubting Dad, didn't I.:)

So, every Memorial Day weekend, I always have, and always will think of Dad with a smile.  BTW, Helio Castroneves (for you non-racing fans, Helio won Dancing With The Stars last fall) won Indy for the third time this weekend.

So, an update on Mom...Not much has changed.  I did spend several hours with her on Saturday, and today, I took her out to Macy's for a little while today.  She was fit to be tied...When I got there today, she told me that she was really upset, because she thought I played a very dirty trick on her.  I asked what kind of trick she meant, and she said that she called me earlier, and when I answered, she said "Aimee?"  And I said "No, this is Mallory, you must have the wrong number."  She said that she just knew it was me, and it was a very dirty trick.  I told her that it wasn't really me, and she said it sure sounded like it.

She was pretty upset in general.  And she pretty much had herself so upset, that she basically ruined our whole outing.  She was so mad and so frustrated with everything, she cried most of the way to Macy's, and when I got a little stern with her and told her that she needed to stop living in her misery long enough to enjoy the good things in life.  So, she demanded I turn around and take her back if I was going to talk to her like that.  So, I asked if she wanted to go to Macy's, and she said "you know I do, but if you are going to talk to me like that, you might as well take me back..."  Poor Mom...So stubborn that she would rather be right than be happy.

Well, I told her that we would still go to Macy's because we were already out.  She managed to shoot down every suggestion I showed her, and sort of enjoyed the change of scenery...As much as she could.

Anyway, as hard as it is for Mom to live each day, I certainly treasure the few happy, content moments that happen from time to time, with all of my heart, and try to make as many of them happen as is within my power.

Much love!

Boy, am I ever in trouble...

I got my usual 8 voicemails from Mom today, and the first 4 were the typical "please come down now" and "bring me my cigarettes."  Then about the 5th call, she said something like "It is a ghost town here...A big bus came and took lots of people to Viejas..."  Then the next call was "For my birthday, I want to go to Barona for dinner and gambling...I should be getting some free cash, so look for it in the mail...Thank you, bye."

Well, her birthday is coming up on June 7th...So, here is where my trouble starts...First of all, it is about 2 weeks until her birthday...I predict that (in addition to cigarettes) this will be her new vehicle to prove I am letting her down...Because we are not going tomorrow...Or right now.  And once I finally take her on her birthday, she will be a handful because she will want to do everything just like she used to.  I will do my best to accomplish this with her, but I hope she can accept it for what it is.  The next problem will reside with her wanting to go ALL the time.  All said and done, I will do my very best to give her as much as I possibly can.:)

I can tell she is getting frustrated with my limited ability to cater to her every whim.  She has begun to call my Aunt from time to time when she can't get a hold of me.  She basically tells my Aunt to call me.  I guess that is not working to her standards, because she has asked me for a couple other numbers for some of our close friends.  I know she will just be calling to either have them call me, or to bring her cigarettes or come take her somewhere.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  It is just so hard to try and keep her...what's the word...calm...satisfied...peaceful...happy?  

It is hard for me to watch her burn so bright all the time.  She is always on...Always looking for something, and then so far ahead of herself, she can't even enjoy it when she gets what what she wants...She is always on to the next thing she doesn't/can't have/wants.  Just have to do what I can to bring as much as I can to her life.  She is very frustrated with the staff at Magnolia.  They struggle a little with her because she requires so much attention.  I am grateful that she is so alert and cognitive, but truly lament the loss of her ability to reason through things, and her capacity to see beyond herself.  I don't say that to be cruel, because I lament it because it gets in the way of her living any sort of pleasant life.

Everyday is a struggle for Mom, and although it wasn't much different before she started smoking again, the smoking has definitely amplified it.  But we just move on, day by day, moment by moment, doing our best.

Much love to you all.

Keep moving on...

Well, no news is good news I guess.  Mom is holding her own.  Staying about the same.  I spent several hours with Mom on Saturday.  She had been calling me all week, begging me to have someone shave her head.  It seems that the staff at the nursing home was busy, and was unable to cut her hair.  So, I shaved her bald once again, and it gave her a moment of happiness...Just a brief moment, but a moment nonetheless...

The insurance has officially run out for Mom.  She has burned through her 100 days of PT, and is now relegated to RNA...I have no idea what that stands for, but it equates to 15 minutes of arm stretches 3 times a week...I remember from Dad.  I am not sure how much more Mom would have been able to progress.  I am just not sure that she still possesses the capacity to accurately judge what she is, or is not capable of.  So, even if she was able to get strong enough to walk short distances with a walker or a cane, I am just not sure if she would be able to focus long enough to pay attention to what she was doing.

She is so funny...She called me today to tell me that her "brown pants clash with the plum shirt", and could I "please bring a tan shirt from her closet so she can match...Oh, and bring cigarettes."  Always the penultimate perfectionist.  One of our family friends stopped by on Saturday and brought Mom a belated Mother's Day gift...A silver-look costume bracelet, which she just loves.  Now she tells me that she wants earrings to go along with it.  I have these cute small silver hoops that would be perfect for her...They are easy to put on, fasten securely, and the post snaps into the other side of the hoop, so no sharp, pointy post to stab her.  So, I put them on her, and took her over to the mirror to look, and she said "no, these are not the right size and don't match the bracelet..."  Everything always has to be perfect...:)

Much love to all!

The only thing that is constant is change...

Hello...A few days since my last post.  I wish I could use my standard excuse of "not much happened," but Dorothy had some other ideas.

First of all, we had a very nice weekend.  I took her down the street for breakfast on Saturday, where we shared a french toast breakfast.  She enjoyed it, but was tired, so we went back to Magnolia.  I took her out to smoke, we went in and painted her nails, and then we went out and smoked again.  I left after several hours.  I was back on Sunday for a Mother's Day visit.  The volunteers from the local high school were selling hot dogs and cupcakes to raise money for the "Senior Prom" they are holding for the residents this week.  Mom had been smelling the BBQ all morning, so she wanted a hot dog.  So, I got us each a hot dog, and a cupcake to split.  She polished off her hot dog, but was still hungry, so she and I split another hot dog.  We ate, she smoked, she smoked some more...All in all, it was a very nice day.

Monday brought roughly 8 phone calls to my voicemail begging for cigarettes.  A little higher than average...:)

Tuesday brought about 6 voicemails and a call to my Aunt because she couldn't get a hold of me begging me to come down and bring cigs.  The last voicemail was that she was on her way to the hospital because she fell and hit her head hard...Well, the fact that she was the one that called to let me know was a little reassuring, but, I quickly called down to see where they were taking her.  The nurse said she was probably ok, but because she is on the blood thinner Coumadin, there is a higher chance of a brain bleed if you hit your head.  The best part of the message was her complaining that she had not had a cigarette all day and was wondering if maybe I could meet her in the parking lot of the hospital so she could smoke before going into the ER.  

So I met her down at the Sharp Memorial ER.  She was lucid, and had a bump on the back of her head with a small cut in the middle of it.  A Cat scan followed, which showed no internal bleeding.  Protocol for a head injury on Coumadin mandates a follow up Cat scan 12 hours after the incident, so the doctor admitted her to the hospital over night.

Don't ever tell her I put this on the blog, because she would be humiliated, but it is too funny not to tell.  Well, Mom has been having some intestinal issues that we think may have been caused by the anti-biotic she has been on, and she thought that while she had the doctor there, she would mention it to him.  He is an ER trauma doctor, so since that is not necessarily his expertise, he sort of changed the subject, and there was a short lull in the conversation as he washed his hands.  And then he said "there is just one more thing...If it needs a staple..."  Mom's eyes got wide, like saucers, and she looked at me, then back at him, and in a little, curious, scared voice asked "my butt?"  The Doctor and I burst out laughing, and Mom started laughing too...The Doctor said "well, that might be a way to stop your problem, but I was talking about your head."

She didn't need a staple after all, in her head or otherwise, and she was discharged back to Magnolia this afternoon.  All in all, she is fine.  I am still trying to figure out exactly what happened that she hit her head.  She claims that her wheelchair wheel got stuck in the door frame, and her paralyzed leg with the boot/brace (which she claims weighs at least 4 lbs) slipped off the footrest and the whole chair went over.  Well, Mom has never been very good at science, and she can't even spell physics, but somehow, I can't convince her that it is literally impossible for a 90 lb woman to pull over a 45 lb wheelchair from a seated position with a "at least 4 lb" boot.  I asked her if she tried to stand up without help, and you would have thought I would have asked her if she wore white after Labor Day...She was appalled that I would even have considered that possibility and of course she would never do that...Mmmmmm-hmmmmm.

Well, the nurses told me that when she got back to Magnolia, she came through the door hollering for pain meds, a change of clothes, food, and a smoke.  I got there this evening, and she was all snug in bed.  The moment she saw me, she wanted out of bed, into her chair and out for a smoke pronto.  So, out for a smoke we go...Bitching the whole time about how cold it was outside.  So, we came back in so she could have her dinner, which she LOVED until, while I was talking to the nurse in her room, she fell asleep in her wheelchair.  So was so sweet, and as I rolled her up next to the bed to move her into bed, she stirred...And demanded to go out for another smoke. (I curse you Benson and Hedges!).  So, I wheel her out and she takes one drag and dozes off holding her cig...

She fell asleep on the way back into her room, and then again within about 20 seconds after I swung her legs up in bed.  The trip to the hospital took a lot out of her...:)

Anyway, she is back at Magnolia, hoping they will shave her head tomorrow...Apparently a half-inch is WAY too long.  It was just starting to look nice...It was just long enough to just about cover her scalp, in the right light.  I tried to convince her that it might hurt a little trying to run the clippers over the bump she just sustained yesterday, and to wait at least a few more days...We will see.

I hope you all had a nice Mother's day and weekend, and that the one coming up is amazing as well!

Much love!

Not much new...

I haven't really been blogging, because there is not too much new with Mom. And really, no news is good news as far as I am concerned.

We have escalated the smoking, however...She calls and leaves me messages all the time (sometimes 10 a day!), crying, wanting me to come right now to bring her cigarettes. I am so sad that I called it...She is just no longer capable of dealing with much, and the nicotine is now causing it to go to the extreme.

As much as it breaks my heart into about eleventy million pieces every time I hear one of her voicemails...Her pleads for a cigarette and a cigarette NOW, I just have to be strong and not give into her every whim. Since the cigarette smoking decision was made for me by someone who thought they were helping my Mom, I just have to live with it the best I can. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that Mom has lost everything, and really, what harm is a smoke now and then going to hurt...? Well, once she knew I had them, she kept calling me, and when she couldn't get a hold of me, she called my Aunt, who also felt bad for her and ran her down a pack of cigs. Now, Mom cannot smoke by herself. She does not posses the reaction time and the dexterity to be able to prevent herself from getting burned or hurt. So, my Aunt gave the pack to the nurses to hold. Even though my Aunt sat with her and let her smoke 2 cigarettes, the moment my Aunt left, my Mom began yelling and causing a ruckus, because she knew the cigarettes were on the premises, and she wanted to go out and smoke NOW. I got there about 90 minutes after my Aunt left, and the nurse was at the end of her rope. So, we are going to try and work out a smoking schedule for Mom, where some of the staff can take her out for a smoke a few times a day. Of course, this is causing issue for the staff, as there are other residents who like to smoke too, but wait for their visitors. What works for one, needs to work for all, so the staff has to decide if this is even feasible.

But, with all that going on, Mom is hanging in there. I will warn all you wonderful visitors, the second she sees you, she will be wanting to go out for a smoke. If this is something you can accommodate, then great, the cigarettes should be with her nurse. But if not, just tell Mom you can't take her outside to smoke.

Mom and I are going to try and go out to an early Mother's day breakfast on Saturday...Wish me luck!:)

Happy Mother's day to you all and have a wonderful weekend!:)

Much love!

Back to the blog...

Ugh...Things have been so busy lately. Work is busy, and so much to do and not enough hours in the day. I know, I am sure I am preaching to the choir...

Mom has been up and down since the service. Sometimes she gets so agitated, they give her a sedative, which, before the memorial service, would just barely calm her down. Now they seem to hit her like I have always thought they should. The sad thing is, they make her calmer, and a little slower, but she says all the same things to me as she does when she is lucid...Just slower and quieter. She is still really struggling with everything. She really wants to smoke, so I finally gave in and bought her a pack of cigs to smoke only when I am there...Half the time, she goes out, takes two puffs and says she needs to go back inside because it is too cold. I still think that the smoking agitates her further when she starts getting the nicotine withdrawals, but now that I have let her smoke, there is no stopping her. I am hoping that she doesn't get kicked out of Magnolia at some point for being so belligerent. Ugh! I curse that person who got her that pack of cigarettes!!! No one at the nursing home will admit to it, and Mom won't reveal the culprit.

Anyway, she continues to have a hard time dealing with life itself. Thanks to everyone for coming to visit her. I know it is hard to see sometimes, but she does enjoy your company. Often, in the few moments of peace and calm she and I sometimes have during our visits, she will talk about how nice it was to see each of you.

I hope all is well with each of you, and I hope you have wonderful plans for this beautiful weekend!:)

Much love.

A truly wonderous day...

What an amazing day! It was beautiful, albeit a little warmer than I had expected, but the service was just a wonderful thing!

It went exactly as planned, and I was so touched by things that I didn't know would impact me the way they did.

As I looked out into the seats as I spoke my tribute to my Father, I saw faces, both familiar and not, sometimes smiling, sometimes crying, but most of all, united in a celebration of a man who proved that life is worth living, no matter what.

I will admit it, the bagpiper hit me harder than I ever thought possible. But it was so wonderfully beautiful. She later came up to me and gave me her condolences, and told me what an honor it was to play. What a blessing, and what a wonderful sentiment.

Mom struggled when I got her there in the morning, but as people started to arrive, and she calmed down enough to look around at the memory tables, she ended up being able to say hello to everyone. All in all, she was happy and proud of the service I put together.

I can't thank everyone enough for attending, and I hope each and every person there had as good a time as possible for a memorial service, because Dad loved a party, and this would have been no exception!

One more thank you to everyone, for your love, support, donations, cards, hugs, sentiments, emails, phone calls and more. To be surrounded by such wonderful people is a blessing beyond dreams.

Much love!

Spent time with Mom last night.  She is having a really hard time, because in addition to everything else, her meds are all messed up.  They have put her on new ones, taken her off some, all with going in and out of the hospital.  So her body is really struggling to make sense of new meds and side effects as well as withdrawal from others.  It doesn't help her state of mind.

I have been getting everything in line for Tuesday.  I think it is going to be a lovely day.  Looking forward to seeing you all.

Much love!

And back to Grossmont...

Well, in the midst of our small Easter celebration, Mom started having chest pains...So, after taking her vitals and giving her some pain meds, they decided to send her back out to the hospital.  So, we spent Easter in the E.R., and she spent last night and tonight in a really great hospital room.  They did not find anything conclusive, but they want to keep her for observation anyway.  She is actually handling it kind of well.  She is still very itchy, and the Benedril does not work very long.  So, she is pretty uncomfortable, but trying her best.  She should head back to Magnolia tomorrow, unless something comes up.

I also want to post some more information about Dad's service next week.  In order to have everyone show up at the correct location please take the following directions...From the 5 Freeway, exit Sea World Drive and head West.  At the third traffic signal, S. Shores Park, turn right and follow the road down to the East Employee Parking entrance, and let them know you are there for the memorial service.  Please watch for children when parking, as there will be several Education groups arriving at the same time. 

The walk into the venue is about a 5-6 minute walk.  If there is anyone who may have problems or need assistance covering that distance, please contact me at 619-303-2027.

I hope every one had a lovely holiday.

Much love!

Back to Magnolia...

Well, Mom is back at Magnolia.  She was released from the afternoon today, and got back in time for dinner.

My poor Mom.  She is just having such a hard time with life.  She is just at the end of her rope.  She is really struggling with everything.  I am having such a hard time figuring out how to bring her any inkling of peace or joy.  Nothing I can say or do brings her any relief.  Even when she gets something she really wants, she somehow skips right over any pleasure, and goes onto whatever is the next thing she is fixated on.  I am hoping that getting back to Magnolia, and some structure may bring her a little comfort.  But she needs to make amends within herself, and make a decision to not be miserable.  I am just not sure how to facilitate that in her...It is just hard to sit by and watch her suffer.

I am fighting this dreadful cold that is going around.  If you haven't gotten it yet, take your vitamins and wash your hands...It is no fun.

Much love.

Another rough day for Dorth...

My poor Mom.  She is just so unhappy and frustrated.  Although, she may get released tomorrow.  As almost anyone could have predicted, the extra high dose of Coumadin finally kicked in, and today, her blood was critically thin.  So, first too thick, now too thin...Maybe tomorrow it will be "just right..."  If so, then she should be able to go back to Magnolia. 

Today was just a little rough.  I think she gets lonely when I have to work all day...Well, she doesn't have anyone to order around except the nursing staff, and they don't have time to constantly entertain her, or move her from the chair to the bed and back again all the time.  They really do have some wonderful, patient, friendly nurses at Grossmont.  Thank goodness.

Much love.

Dorothy is a hard nut to crack...

Leave it to my Mom...She is really upset because the Dr. told her she had to be in the hospital another 3 or 4 days.  They are testing her Coumadin levels, and although they are giving her a dose normally given to a 250 lb man, it is not thinning her blood.  the doctor is not quite sure what to do with her, so he is just going to keep watching her closely.  Mom is miserable there.  Although she had her feeding tube removed today, and she had our family friends Paula and Stephanie visit today, she is just so frustrated she has to stay there, not much breaks through that.  But she did tell me that she was good today...She behaved.  I hope she is right.;)

Much love!

Dad's obituary ran in today's paper.  To look at it online you can go to http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?I=LS000125760435X.

Mom is having a really rough time in the hospital.  The doctor said she would be there until Tuesday or Wednesday.  They are waiting until the Coumadin levels in her blood are where they want them.  The Heparin, or Lovenox they are giving her will thin her blood, but will not dissolve the clot.  The Coumadin will break up the clot, but they can't risk doing it too quickly and loosening the clot.  She just has to be patient...Which is not really in her vocabulary any more.  She is really having a hard time with being confined to her room/bed, and she is driving the nurses quite crazy...So, pray for Mom and pray for the nursing staff...;)

Much love!