Boy, am I ever in trouble...

I got my usual 8 voicemails from Mom today, and the first 4 were the typical "please come down now" and "bring me my cigarettes."  Then about the 5th call, she said something like "It is a ghost town here...A big bus came and took lots of people to Viejas..."  Then the next call was "For my birthday, I want to go to Barona for dinner and gambling...I should be getting some free cash, so look for it in the mail...Thank you, bye."

Well, her birthday is coming up on June 7th...So, here is where my trouble starts...First of all, it is about 2 weeks until her birthday...I predict that (in addition to cigarettes) this will be her new vehicle to prove I am letting her down...Because we are not going tomorrow...Or right now.  And once I finally take her on her birthday, she will be a handful because she will want to do everything just like she used to.  I will do my best to accomplish this with her, but I hope she can accept it for what it is.  The next problem will reside with her wanting to go ALL the time.  All said and done, I will do my very best to give her as much as I possibly can.:)

I can tell she is getting frustrated with my limited ability to cater to her every whim.  She has begun to call my Aunt from time to time when she can't get a hold of me.  She basically tells my Aunt to call me.  I guess that is not working to her standards, because she has asked me for a couple other numbers for some of our close friends.  I know she will just be calling to either have them call me, or to bring her cigarettes or come take her somewhere.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  It is just so hard to try and keep her...what's the word...calm...satisfied...peaceful...happy?  

It is hard for me to watch her burn so bright all the time.  She is always on...Always looking for something, and then so far ahead of herself, she can't even enjoy it when she gets what what she wants...She is always on to the next thing she doesn't/can't have/wants.  Just have to do what I can to bring as much as I can to her life.  She is very frustrated with the staff at Magnolia.  They struggle a little with her because she requires so much attention.  I am grateful that she is so alert and cognitive, but truly lament the loss of her ability to reason through things, and her capacity to see beyond herself.  I don't say that to be cruel, because I lament it because it gets in the way of her living any sort of pleasant life.

Everyday is a struggle for Mom, and although it wasn't much different before she started smoking again, the smoking has definitely amplified it.  But we just move on, day by day, moment by moment, doing our best.

Much love to you all.