"Gentlemen...Start your engines!!!"

One of my fondest memories of my Dad was that when I was young, every Memorial Day weekend, while I got a break from school, and got a chance to sleep in, Dad would get up at the crack of dawn, open my bedroom door, and say "Gentlemen, Start your engines!!!"  After enduring my suddenly awakened groans, he would go out and watch the Indianapolis 500.  Dad liked racing, but he loved Indy.

One of his favorite stories to tell was when he took a road trip with a buddy from work to attend this race at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, also known as "The Brickyard" in Indianapolis, Indiana.  I unfortunately don't know what year they went, but he always remembered it as one of the highlights of his life.  Not only because of the race, but because he told me that they had gotten caught in a tornado in Kansas (maybe?), and it actually picked the car up, and set it back down.  For years, I sort of took this story with a grain of salt...I thought, it was probably an exaggeration.  Then, at Dad's retirement party in 2002, a man stood up to say a few words, and retold this same story, just the same way Dad always had.:)  Got a lesson on doubting Dad, didn't I.:)

So, every Memorial Day weekend, I always have, and always will think of Dad with a smile.  BTW, Helio Castroneves (for you non-racing fans, Helio won Dancing With The Stars last fall) won Indy for the third time this weekend.

So, an update on Mom...Not much has changed.  I did spend several hours with her on Saturday, and today, I took her out to Macy's for a little while today.  She was fit to be tied...When I got there today, she told me that she was really upset, because she thought I played a very dirty trick on her.  I asked what kind of trick she meant, and she said that she called me earlier, and when I answered, she said "Aimee?"  And I said "No, this is Mallory, you must have the wrong number."  She said that she just knew it was me, and it was a very dirty trick.  I told her that it wasn't really me, and she said it sure sounded like it.

She was pretty upset in general.  And she pretty much had herself so upset, that she basically ruined our whole outing.  She was so mad and so frustrated with everything, she cried most of the way to Macy's, and when I got a little stern with her and told her that she needed to stop living in her misery long enough to enjoy the good things in life.  So, she demanded I turn around and take her back if I was going to talk to her like that.  So, I asked if she wanted to go to Macy's, and she said "you know I do, but if you are going to talk to me like that, you might as well take me back..."  Poor Mom...So stubborn that she would rather be right than be happy.

Well, I told her that we would still go to Macy's because we were already out.  She managed to shoot down every suggestion I showed her, and sort of enjoyed the change of scenery...As much as she could.

Anyway, as hard as it is for Mom to live each day, I certainly treasure the few happy, content moments that happen from time to time, with all of my heart, and try to make as many of them happen as is within my power.

Much love!

Boy, am I ever in trouble...

I got my usual 8 voicemails from Mom today, and the first 4 were the typical "please come down now" and "bring me my cigarettes."  Then about the 5th call, she said something like "It is a ghost town here...A big bus came and took lots of people to Viejas..."  Then the next call was "For my birthday, I want to go to Barona for dinner and gambling...I should be getting some free cash, so look for it in the mail...Thank you, bye."

Well, her birthday is coming up on June 7th...So, here is where my trouble starts...First of all, it is about 2 weeks until her birthday...I predict that (in addition to cigarettes) this will be her new vehicle to prove I am letting her down...Because we are not going tomorrow...Or right now.  And once I finally take her on her birthday, she will be a handful because she will want to do everything just like she used to.  I will do my best to accomplish this with her, but I hope she can accept it for what it is.  The next problem will reside with her wanting to go ALL the time.  All said and done, I will do my very best to give her as much as I possibly can.:)

I can tell she is getting frustrated with my limited ability to cater to her every whim.  She has begun to call my Aunt from time to time when she can't get a hold of me.  She basically tells my Aunt to call me.  I guess that is not working to her standards, because she has asked me for a couple other numbers for some of our close friends.  I know she will just be calling to either have them call me, or to bring her cigarettes or come take her somewhere.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  It is just so hard to try and keep her...what's the word...calm...satisfied...peaceful...happy?  

It is hard for me to watch her burn so bright all the time.  She is always on...Always looking for something, and then so far ahead of herself, she can't even enjoy it when she gets what what she wants...She is always on to the next thing she doesn't/can't have/wants.  Just have to do what I can to bring as much as I can to her life.  She is very frustrated with the staff at Magnolia.  They struggle a little with her because she requires so much attention.  I am grateful that she is so alert and cognitive, but truly lament the loss of her ability to reason through things, and her capacity to see beyond herself.  I don't say that to be cruel, because I lament it because it gets in the way of her living any sort of pleasant life.

Everyday is a struggle for Mom, and although it wasn't much different before she started smoking again, the smoking has definitely amplified it.  But we just move on, day by day, moment by moment, doing our best.

Much love to you all.

Keep moving on...

Well, no news is good news I guess.  Mom is holding her own.  Staying about the same.  I spent several hours with Mom on Saturday.  She had been calling me all week, begging me to have someone shave her head.  It seems that the staff at the nursing home was busy, and was unable to cut her hair.  So, I shaved her bald once again, and it gave her a moment of happiness...Just a brief moment, but a moment nonetheless...

The insurance has officially run out for Mom.  She has burned through her 100 days of PT, and is now relegated to RNA...I have no idea what that stands for, but it equates to 15 minutes of arm stretches 3 times a week...I remember from Dad.  I am not sure how much more Mom would have been able to progress.  I am just not sure that she still possesses the capacity to accurately judge what she is, or is not capable of.  So, even if she was able to get strong enough to walk short distances with a walker or a cane, I am just not sure if she would be able to focus long enough to pay attention to what she was doing.

She is so funny...She called me today to tell me that her "brown pants clash with the plum shirt", and could I "please bring a tan shirt from her closet so she can match...Oh, and bring cigarettes."  Always the penultimate perfectionist.  One of our family friends stopped by on Saturday and brought Mom a belated Mother's Day gift...A silver-look costume bracelet, which she just loves.  Now she tells me that she wants earrings to go along with it.  I have these cute small silver hoops that would be perfect for her...They are easy to put on, fasten securely, and the post snaps into the other side of the hoop, so no sharp, pointy post to stab her.  So, I put them on her, and took her over to the mirror to look, and she said "no, these are not the right size and don't match the bracelet..."  Everything always has to be perfect...:)

Much love to all!

The only thing that is constant is change...

Hello...A few days since my last post.  I wish I could use my standard excuse of "not much happened," but Dorothy had some other ideas.

First of all, we had a very nice weekend.  I took her down the street for breakfast on Saturday, where we shared a french toast breakfast.  She enjoyed it, but was tired, so we went back to Magnolia.  I took her out to smoke, we went in and painted her nails, and then we went out and smoked again.  I left after several hours.  I was back on Sunday for a Mother's Day visit.  The volunteers from the local high school were selling hot dogs and cupcakes to raise money for the "Senior Prom" they are holding for the residents this week.  Mom had been smelling the BBQ all morning, so she wanted a hot dog.  So, I got us each a hot dog, and a cupcake to split.  She polished off her hot dog, but was still hungry, so she and I split another hot dog.  We ate, she smoked, she smoked some more...All in all, it was a very nice day.

Monday brought roughly 8 phone calls to my voicemail begging for cigarettes.  A little higher than average...:)

Tuesday brought about 6 voicemails and a call to my Aunt because she couldn't get a hold of me begging me to come down and bring cigs.  The last voicemail was that she was on her way to the hospital because she fell and hit her head hard...Well, the fact that she was the one that called to let me know was a little reassuring, but, I quickly called down to see where they were taking her.  The nurse said she was probably ok, but because she is on the blood thinner Coumadin, there is a higher chance of a brain bleed if you hit your head.  The best part of the message was her complaining that she had not had a cigarette all day and was wondering if maybe I could meet her in the parking lot of the hospital so she could smoke before going into the ER.  

So I met her down at the Sharp Memorial ER.  She was lucid, and had a bump on the back of her head with a small cut in the middle of it.  A Cat scan followed, which showed no internal bleeding.  Protocol for a head injury on Coumadin mandates a follow up Cat scan 12 hours after the incident, so the doctor admitted her to the hospital over night.

Don't ever tell her I put this on the blog, because she would be humiliated, but it is too funny not to tell.  Well, Mom has been having some intestinal issues that we think may have been caused by the anti-biotic she has been on, and she thought that while she had the doctor there, she would mention it to him.  He is an ER trauma doctor, so since that is not necessarily his expertise, he sort of changed the subject, and there was a short lull in the conversation as he washed his hands.  And then he said "there is just one more thing...If it needs a staple..."  Mom's eyes got wide, like saucers, and she looked at me, then back at him, and in a little, curious, scared voice asked "my butt?"  The Doctor and I burst out laughing, and Mom started laughing too...The Doctor said "well, that might be a way to stop your problem, but I was talking about your head."

She didn't need a staple after all, in her head or otherwise, and she was discharged back to Magnolia this afternoon.  All in all, she is fine.  I am still trying to figure out exactly what happened that she hit her head.  She claims that her wheelchair wheel got stuck in the door frame, and her paralyzed leg with the boot/brace (which she claims weighs at least 4 lbs) slipped off the footrest and the whole chair went over.  Well, Mom has never been very good at science, and she can't even spell physics, but somehow, I can't convince her that it is literally impossible for a 90 lb woman to pull over a 45 lb wheelchair from a seated position with a "at least 4 lb" boot.  I asked her if she tried to stand up without help, and you would have thought I would have asked her if she wore white after Labor Day...She was appalled that I would even have considered that possibility and of course she would never do that...Mmmmmm-hmmmmm.

Well, the nurses told me that when she got back to Magnolia, she came through the door hollering for pain meds, a change of clothes, food, and a smoke.  I got there this evening, and she was all snug in bed.  The moment she saw me, she wanted out of bed, into her chair and out for a smoke pronto.  So, out for a smoke we go...Bitching the whole time about how cold it was outside.  So, we came back in so she could have her dinner, which she LOVED until, while I was talking to the nurse in her room, she fell asleep in her wheelchair.  So was so sweet, and as I rolled her up next to the bed to move her into bed, she stirred...And demanded to go out for another smoke. (I curse you Benson and Hedges!).  So, I wheel her out and she takes one drag and dozes off holding her cig...

She fell asleep on the way back into her room, and then again within about 20 seconds after I swung her legs up in bed.  The trip to the hospital took a lot out of her...:)

Anyway, she is back at Magnolia, hoping they will shave her head tomorrow...Apparently a half-inch is WAY too long.  It was just starting to look nice...It was just long enough to just about cover her scalp, in the right light.  I tried to convince her that it might hurt a little trying to run the clippers over the bump she just sustained yesterday, and to wait at least a few more days...We will see.

I hope you all had a nice Mother's day and weekend, and that the one coming up is amazing as well!

Much love!

Not much new...

I haven't really been blogging, because there is not too much new with Mom. And really, no news is good news as far as I am concerned.

We have escalated the smoking, however...She calls and leaves me messages all the time (sometimes 10 a day!), crying, wanting me to come right now to bring her cigarettes. I am so sad that I called it...She is just no longer capable of dealing with much, and the nicotine is now causing it to go to the extreme.

As much as it breaks my heart into about eleventy million pieces every time I hear one of her voicemails...Her pleads for a cigarette and a cigarette NOW, I just have to be strong and not give into her every whim. Since the cigarette smoking decision was made for me by someone who thought they were helping my Mom, I just have to live with it the best I can. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that Mom has lost everything, and really, what harm is a smoke now and then going to hurt...? Well, once she knew I had them, she kept calling me, and when she couldn't get a hold of me, she called my Aunt, who also felt bad for her and ran her down a pack of cigs. Now, Mom cannot smoke by herself. She does not posses the reaction time and the dexterity to be able to prevent herself from getting burned or hurt. So, my Aunt gave the pack to the nurses to hold. Even though my Aunt sat with her and let her smoke 2 cigarettes, the moment my Aunt left, my Mom began yelling and causing a ruckus, because she knew the cigarettes were on the premises, and she wanted to go out and smoke NOW. I got there about 90 minutes after my Aunt left, and the nurse was at the end of her rope. So, we are going to try and work out a smoking schedule for Mom, where some of the staff can take her out for a smoke a few times a day. Of course, this is causing issue for the staff, as there are other residents who like to smoke too, but wait for their visitors. What works for one, needs to work for all, so the staff has to decide if this is even feasible.

But, with all that going on, Mom is hanging in there. I will warn all you wonderful visitors, the second she sees you, she will be wanting to go out for a smoke. If this is something you can accommodate, then great, the cigarettes should be with her nurse. But if not, just tell Mom you can't take her outside to smoke.

Mom and I are going to try and go out to an early Mother's day breakfast on Saturday...Wish me luck!:)

Happy Mother's day to you all and have a wonderful weekend!:)

Much love!